Not Dead

That's right bitches, I'm alive. Life... Well, life got a little hectic. I'll be making a post over on my new blog about it soon. Look forward to it. Or not.

June, July, and August: The Weight Of Living (Pt I)

There's an albatross around your neck,

The house was always quiet. After a few days of Skye not talking to me - no matter what I tried - I fell into a routine. Wake up, shower, eat some cereal, wake up Alice and try to get some food in her, go to work, come home, ask Alice how her day was, path around, go complete a Job if I needed to, work out, play with Alaska and Alice, feed Alaska and Alice, lay awake in my bed until exhaustion washed over me. Rinse and repeat.

All the things you've said,

And the things you've done,

"He sure is taking his sweet time getting over his first kill," M rolled her eyes as I swirled the milk in my bowl with my spoon.

"He's..." I trailed off, trying to find the right word. "He's new to this. He got thrown in to this life and I'm willing to bet that he was just a normal kid before all of this. Not everyone was desensitized to real-live violence like I was."

"Well still, it's been, like, two weeks," the demon rolled her eyes again. "He's probably afraid that you hate him or something."

"Well if he wants to shut himself off and deal with this completely by himself, that's fucking fine by me," I growled as I stood up from the table.

"Geez, touchy," M grumbled as she faded out, transporting herself somewhere else.

Can you carry it with no regrets?

Can you stand the person you've become?

I took a deep breath before knocking on Skye's door. "Hey," I called softly, staring at the ground.

No response.

"I just wanted to let you know that I bought some fireworks..."

No response. I sighed and leaned against the door.

"It's supposed to be nice out. And they're the really obnoxious ones from PA. Lucia and my guy hooked me up good."

No response. I slid down to a sitting position, willing myself not to cry.

"I, uh..." I choked around whatever words I was trying to say.

Still no response.

Oh there's a light

"God damnit, Skye," I sighed and lightly hit my head against the door. "Just let me fucking help. Let me talk you through this. Let me help you with your other."

No response. I heard the quiet sound of him flopping down on to the bed.

"Just... please Skye. Please let me in."

Your Albatross, let it go, let it go,

"I don't hate you, I don't... I just want to at least fucking see you, you idiot. Please?"

Silence.

"I swear to god, I'll break this door down," I threatened through tears.

Nothing.

"Well... You know where to find me when you wanna talk," I sighed before walking down the hall to my room.

Your albatross shoot it down, shoot it down

I curled up in a ball on my bed, staring out at the night. It was pitch-black and cloudy and I wanted nothing more than to dissolve in to it. I was so damn useless and helpless all at the same time. I wanted to help him, but he needed to let me in - I knew I couldn't force it.

My heart ached dully in my chest, and I longed for the ability to not feel.

When you just can't shake

The heavy weight of living

I invited Opal over to watch my one-woman pyrotechnic show. I had thrown myself into researching to keep myself busy and it was about to pay off. I hoped. Opal plopped down on the deck with Alice in her lap. Alaska was in the house, probably hiding under one of the desks or in Skye's room. She hates loud noises.

"Alright, I think it's dark enough now!" I smiled and lit the thick, braided fuse with my lighter before dashing back next to Opal and plopping my ass down on the concrete.

The outermost layer of fireworks hissed and shot up in near-unison. They exploded into blue star-bursts, and each spark shot out into white fizzles. The next layer consisted of ten red whistlers that exploded in a fountain. The last layer was my particular favourite - and it took a long ass time to jerry-rig. Twenty roman candles arranged in a circle around the single biggest fountain firework that I could find. And by find I mean that I know a guy whose good with explosions and paid him a nice amount for a firework twice the size of my thigh.

"HELL YES!" I yelled as the Romans started to shoot out fireballs in sync. I couldn't help myself from cackling crazily as the fuse for the giant firework hissed. I saw Opal give me a worrried look before she covered Alice's ears.

The firework exploded with a bright flash, illuminating everything around. I grinned as I watched the giant flare shoot up into the sky before it exploded with a resounding BANG and splitting off into arcs that slowly trailed to the ground. Cleanup was going to be a bitch, but I didn't care. At the moment I was just praying that the neighbours wouldn't call the cops.

Stepping forward out into the day

Shrugging off the dust and memory

"Hey Tori, you should go to college with me," Opal said, sprawled out on my bed.

"Yeah I get enough of the general public at work," I rolled my eyes.

"Come on Tori. It'll be fun! You need to get out of the house anyway."

"No."

"Come on, you need to talk to people that aren't me or your boss," Opal nudged me with her foot.

"No. I'm... You know I can't deal with people. And there's the fact that I'm scarred out the ass. And I'd have to make a whole new identity and getting those papers done is a pain in the ass and..." I looked at Opal's eager face and sighed in defeat. "I'll call my guy up tomorrow."

"YES!" She shot up from the bed and punched the air. Then she lost her balance and fell over into my lap.

"Girl, you are a mess," I laughed as I brushed the hair out of her face.

"Yeah but I've assigned myself to be your mess - so deal with it."

Though it's soaring still above your head

It is out of sight and none shall see

"This was a horrible idea," I hissed at Opal.

"Oh come on!" she chirped, grabbing my hand and dragging me forward, "It'll be fun!"

"I'd have more fun sharpening my knives," I muttered under my breath.

"If you don't put on a smile I'll use you to sharpen your own knives," Opal smiled. It freaked me out when she made such happy threats.

She dragged me from class to class. She tried to make it a point to talk to everyone while I sat in a corner and tried to become invisible. My plan was working fairly well until the next day when we did one of those stupid "get-to-know-you" activites where you had to say three interesting things about yourself.

"My name is Opal. My hobby is dying my hair," she smiled, gesturing to her bubblegum pastel pink hair. Yes, her icon is an accurate representation of her.

"I've had ten near death experiences."

Five of which may or may not have been kind of my fault.

"Aaaand, I've been classically trained in opera singing."

And she never lets me forget it. Then, she gestured to me.

I sighed and looked around the room. "Hello. My name is Kali, uh with a K." I scratched the back of my neck. What the hell could I say? I kill people for a job? "I've been to Germany, Lichtenstein, Austria, France, Norway... Um, am I forgetting any countries?" I mumbled to myself.

"You forgot Finland, Russia and Italy, lovely," Opal supplied.

I gave her a small smile before continuing. "Yes, those as well. I've been teaching myself how to use throwing knives." Properly of course, I've been meaning to increase my accuracy. "Lastly, the only meal I can cook is french toast."

I looked around the classroom with a raised eyebrow. There was a beat of silence before the next person began speaking.

Oh there's a light

Opal and I were sitting in the cafeteria with some of the friends that she had amassed, I was doodling in my notebook, not really caring for the conversation.

Suddenly there was a loud BANG. I shot up from my seat, one of my knives in my hand. It had been someone knocking over a metal cart. I sighed and slumped back down into my seat.

"Damn, that was an interesting reaction to the clumsy janitor," one of the guys chuckled.

I raised my eyebrows at him and glared. He didn't back down. "I've been through some shit."

"I'd say," someone else laughed. "Were you in a gang or something?"

"Guys, you shouldn't as-"

"No it's totally fine," I cut Opal off, giving the two guys an icy smile. One was about 6, 3 with short blonde hair and dark eyes. He was pale enough to give me a run for my money. The other was around 6, 5 with dark skin and an easy smile.

Your albatross, let it go, let it go,

"Oh so Princess Bubble gum knows all your secrets?" the blond smiled.

"Not all of them," I shrugged. Casually I shrugged off my over-sized hoodie. I was wearing a black tank-top underneath. Needless to say, the whole table minus Opal starred at my scars. I was slightly uncomfortable with the harsh scrutiny, but the fear and awe in their eyes was intoxicating.

"What happened?"

"I got attacked by a mainiac who thought he was a superhuman being," I smirked.

"Yeah, okay." someone scoffed. I simply shrugged and pulled my hoodie back on. I muttered something about going to buy food as I stood up. I didn't miss the blond getting up as well and falling into stop with me.

"So, is that why you don't talk to any of us except Bubblegum?" he asked me. I rolled my eyes as I looked over the food in the hotbox. It wasn't the best, but it was a decent price for college food. "Come on Kalika," he laughed.

"Original," I scoffed. He started to reach for my shoulder and I easily grabbed his wrist. "Don't touch me without my permission."

"May I touch you?" he rolled his eyes.

"No." I tried to hide my smile.

"Ah well, I tried," he shrugged.

I grabbed the chicken tenders and some fries before walking over to the coolers that held drinks. "There was an attempt at contact, yeah."

Your albatross shoot it down, shoot it down

"Geez, warm up some Ice Queen," the blond chuckled.

"Back the hell off, Blondie," I smirked.

"Hmmm... No I don't think I will." He grabbed my food and the drink that I had just grabbed. "I'm paying for these."

"Eh," I shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat."

"I'm Daniel by the way."

"Cool. I don't exactly care."

He just laughed and walked off to pay for the food. I rolled my eyes and followed him.

When you just can't shake

The heavy weight of living

"Hey Bubblegum, Ice Queen. Wanna hang out later?"

I groaned. It had been a week and Daniel had decided that making me social was his new pet project, or something. Of course, Opal had jumped onto that idea and threw her support behind it.

"I have to work," I mumbled, rubbing my head. Slendy hadn't been too happy that I'd been slacking as of late.

"I thought you only worked weekends?" Daniel asked.

"Someone got sick. It's not your fucking concern," I growled.

"Kali," Opal said in a warning tone.

"Actually my shift starts soon so I'm leaving now." I picked up my bag and walked down the hallway. I called the elevator down and stepped inside. I mashed the door closed button and pathed home as soon as the doors closed.

When you just can't seem to shake

The weight of living

I sighed and walked up the stairs and sat against Skye's closed door.

"I don't know why I thought that going to college was a good idea."

"I mean, I'm not fit to fucking deal with people."

I hit my head against the door in frustration.

"All of them don't know what's out there. I hate this. I hate having to keep all of myself hidden from people."

"Anyway, I have to go on assignment now. I stocked the fridge yesterday so that's that."

I sighed and stood up.

When you just can't seem to shake

The weight of living

"Thank you."

It was a quiet reply, and those two words broke my heart with how broken they sounded.

"Anytime."

The weight of living

Laura Palmer (The Return Of Skye, Part I)

Walking out into the dark
Cutting out a different path
Lead by your beating heart

I was walking aimlessly through the path, trying to find Skye again. I'd try this at least once a week, if not more, since Skye disappeared. I'd keep popping up in Europe, since that was the only clue that I had from his vague note and blog post, but it was always a different country. Russia, Finland, Norway, France, Austria, Lichtenstein... 

This time I ended up in Italy. I had taken to carrying around euros (as well as my weapons) so I decided to walk around a little bit. Maybe I had gotten it right this time. Maybe I could focus on a person and not a place and end up where I wanted. Maybe... 

All the people of the town

Cast their eyes right to the ground

In matters of the heart

I walked through the dark streets silently, searching against all hope for some kind of sign. Many of the people looked at me oddly, and admittedly my attire would cause most people to give a second glance. Black leather jacket and gloves, nearly the colour of the starless sky above me, white tank top, cutoff jean shorts. Not-so-obvious shoulder holsters holding my revolver and the 9mm. My newly acquired Ruger SR22 was tucked into the hidden pocket in my jacket. My pocket knife was in my right back pocket, and the Balisong was in my left. My sheathed Karambit was on my right hip and my throwing knives were sheathed on my left leg. 

Authority figures never bothered me, they were either intimidated by my personal arsenal or the look in my eyes. Curious mobsters, assassins, and common criminals often approached me cautiously. 

"Ehi ragazza!" I heard a male call. I kept walking.

Sometimes they approached without caution. 

"Malvivente! Bella Criminale!" 

I exhaled sharply and turned around slowly. My command of the Italian language was poor, but I knew exactly what to say in this situation. "Vaffanculo!"

"Questa bella ragazza, un criminale e volgare." He chuckled before continuing. "Very few women are like that anymore." His dark eyes looked at me with amusement, the weak street lights cast an almost ethereal glow onto his auburn hair.

The night was all you had 

You ran into the night from all you had 

"And how exactly did you deduce that I was American?" I sighed, fed up of this guy and the fact that all of Europe seemed to be bilingual.

"You curse come un americano," he scoffed. 

"Look, did you want something Signore or can I be on my way?" I rolled my eyes and rested my hand on my Karambit's handle, threading my index finger through the brass-knuckle-esque hole. 

"Well any gentleman should help when a lady is lost. Espeically when la signora è bellissima e il posto è pericoloso." 

Found yourself a path upon the ground

You ran into the night; you can't be found

I gave a bark of laughter and the man raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

"Do you really think I'd have any issues with how many weapons I have on me?" I gestured to my traveling arsenal with my eyebrow raised at the auburn-haired man.

His dark eyes appraised me and he nodded - although if it was in agreement, approval, or something else I couldn't place.

"Still bella, you should be careful when looking for a fight."

"Hey I'm not looking for a fight; I'm looking for my..." I paused, not really sure what to call Skye. 

But This is your heart

Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

"Well he is a lucky man to have the love of such a donna letale."

"Wait a minute there pasta-face. No one said anything about love." I glared at him.

"Even a blind man can tell when a woman loves a man, the man is missing, and she is missing him." The man chuckled.

"Regardless, you can leave me alone now." I turned to walk away and caught him shrugging out of the corner of my eye. 

Pumps through your veins

Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

"Maybe if you stop looking he will find you bella. That is a trick that often works for lost objects yes? So why not people?"

"It's a bit more complicated than a lost item..." I muttered darkly. 

Summer evening breezes blew

Drawing voices deep from you

Lead by your beating heart

As much as it annoyed me, the words of that Italian man wouldn't leave my mind. So I stopped searching through the path. I stopped myself from scanning crowds and cars in some kind of desperate hope that I'd spot him. Matt gave me more hours to help me stay busy. Opal talked to me about graduation being soon, and prom, and boys. She dragged me out to get my nails done with her. She introduced me to her friends. She and I took Alaska for walks and went out to see movies with Alice. She always knew somehow when I was in a bad place because her bright blue car would pull into the driveway and she'd declare that we were going to go do something, no arguments.

I have her to thank for my continuing sobriety and mental stability. I also have her to thank for these fake nails that make every-day life inconvenient as hell...

What a year and what a night

What terrifying final sights

Put out your beating heart

One evening, my phone rang. I jumped slightly, no one usually called me. I took one look at the caller ID and nearly cried. 

"Hello? Skye?" 

"Hey Tori..." he trailed off. He sounded horrible, numb. I knew that something had happened.

"Are you alright?" I couldn't help but ask. I just wanted - needed - to hear him talk.

"Yeah, yeah I'm okay..." I heard him sigh and the static that comes with movement. "You think you could come pick me up?" 

"Of course, if you don't mind traveling though the path with me. Do you know where you are?"

"Yeah... I'm in Germany. The nearest street is... hold on it's too dark to read the sign from this far away..."

"Take all the time you need," I reassured him as I started to gather my traveling arsenal. If we ran into issues before I could path the both of us out I wanted to be prepared. Skye didn't sound at all like he could fight. 

"It's Ch...Chi..Chicago..kai....?" I heard him stumble over the name.

The night was all you had 

You ran into the night from all you had 

"Chicagokai." I had taken German as a language elective and a lot of the pronunciation stuck with me. Thank god, because if he was in France we would be screwed. At least he was somewhere I could ask directions.

"Yeah. There... I'll be by the water. There's water..."

"I'll be right there okay? Just hold on a few minutes. I promise."

I hauled ass into the path. The denziens screeched from the hasty intrusion but I didn't care. I barked at them to shut up and they did. 

Found yourself a path upon the ground

You ran into the night; you can't be found

"Skye?" I yelled as I came out of the path. I had no clue where in Germany I was. It looked to be some kind of park-type space in the middle of a warehouse district. 

"E-entschuldigen Sie! Sir?" I called out to a passing man. 

"Ja?" he sighed, obviously wary of myself and all of my weapons. Or the American accent.

"Wo bin ich?" I asked, needing to know where I was and how far away from Skye.

"Speicherstadt. Ah, Grasbrookpark. Straße heißt, dass Hübenerstraße." So far my guesses had been pretty spot-on. Warehouse district, park... some road...

"Welcher Weg ist Chicagokai?" I asked him, figuring this would be my last question. He seemed irked at my stopping him. 

"Süden. Dreihundert Meter." South. About a two-minute walk if I did some trespassing.

"Vielen Dank!" I thanked him as I started jogging in the direction the man had pointed. I heard him mutter something about verdammt amerikanischen but I didn't care too much. I was too focused on finding Skye to care about people assuming I was a lost tourist.

But This is your heart

Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

I skidded to a halt when I found him, sitting with his back to a post by the water.

"Skye?" I asked softly. He was covered in blood. His clothes, his face, his hair.

"I just killed someone." No emotion, just words. He was in shock.

I didn't know what to say to that, so I sat down beside him and pulled him into me. I didn't care that the blood was getting on my clothes and my skin. He was stiff at first, not realizing what I had done. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around me and nestled his head into the spot where my shoulder met my neck. I rubbed his back and hummed softly. I felt his tears drip onto my skin so I ran my fingers though his hair.

Pumps through your veins

Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

"You're alright now." I whispered. "I'm here darling, nothings going to hurt you. I'm here."'

Eventually his tears stopped falling. He moved his head so we were both kneeling face-to-face.

But This is your heart

Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

"I...I'm ready to go home now." His voice was thick from crying.

I brushed the hair back from his forehead and slowly, gently, placed a kiss there. Skye leaned contentedly into me, wrapping his arms around me again. "Let's go." I whispered.

Pumps through your veins

Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

The days since then have been... I don't know how to describe them. Skye was quiet at first, quieter than when he first arrived at my house. It unnerved me for the first day but then I realized why. He had a lot to think on, and his Alter was probably being too loud for his liking. 

He retreated back into the room that he had initially claimed and stayed there most of the time. He still came out for meals and to occasionally watch TV with me, but at night was when I felt most alone. I would lay in bed facing the other side, resisting the temptation to go to his room. 

This is your racing heart

Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

Never before has emotional pain been so physical.

Pumps through your veins

Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

Broken Crown

Please note that autocorrect is a bitch. 

Thing have been... Eventful since my last post. Also that recolection post? i just needed to get that out of my head. So much has happened and i can't really cover it all in one post. 

First things first. The reason I haven't been online at all is because my last mission went slightly awry. I got into a fist fight and got a concussion. I passed out, they got away, and father gave me hell for it. 

Light hurts, noise hurts, being awake hurts, moving makes me dizzy and food makes me nauseous.  I have trouble remembering words and my ears are always ringing. I've been sleeping so much, because that's the only thing that helps. 

There's this girl, Opal. She was being stalked by the Dog. She's a bit of a ditz and she's energetic as anything. I'll make a more detailed post on this later, but she came into my work, she has a blog which I'll link to when I can use a computer again, and she's been helping me with Alice and Alaska while I'm out of commission. She's good with them. Neither of us can really cook, but we get by. 

I also visited Lucia a while back. I know a few of you will wanna hear about that, if just for nostalgia. 

I still miss Skye terribly. I hate that he hasn't emailed me. I hate that he hasn't updated his blog. I hate clinging to the hope that he's alive when it's so possible that he's dead and I'll never know. 

But, for now, I'll keep doing what I have been. Taking everything one day, one step, one breath at a time; hoping that the next will be better. 

Recollection: Only Place I Call Home

"We were finally changing
It's our luck, we're a little too late"

We laid in content silence, me curled against him and him with his arm around me. So much had happened since I started running, since I found him again. So much joy, and so much loss. He'd gotten taller, a bit more refined but he would always be rough around the edges. I was sandpaper that could smooth, yes, but too much would wear me down. We had always been a balancing act, but we lived in tandem, a prefect dance in unison. And now, in union.

He knew why I had made this decision. They would be leaving soon and I would be going to Antithesis. There was a chance that we'd never meet again, there was a chance that he wouldn't survive. There was a chance that I wouldn't either. The smoke from his cigarette wafted around the room. He claimed that he only did this afterwards, but I knew that he smoked once every few weeks because of stress. I snatched it from him and instead of putting it out like usual, I took a long drag and blew the smoke in his face. He just chuckled and pulled me back down, asking if I was trying to start something. I responded by informing him that I don't start things that I can't finish.

Our peace was disturbed by a knock, a tap, on the door to the bedroom. Naomi yelled at him that they were leaving within the hour and he still had to get his things together. He sighed and pulled me to him, holding me tightly, before getting up. Mechanically I followed suit, pulling on, buttoning, straightening. My eyes were fixed on the ground. I felt so much in that moment, content, love, warmth, shame, confusion, loss...

"Hey."

"Don't go." The words flew from my mouth before I could stop them.

"You know I have to girl, someone needs to keep Naomi and Andrew from killing each other in their sibling fights."

"But... you can stay with us. I'm sure..."

I was silenced as his thumb gently brushed my cheek, taking with it a tear. He was gentle, something he only was with me. I knew him, who he really was not who he pretended to be.

"You won't get rid of me that easily, girl." He chuckled before continuing, "Besides, I'm bad for you remember?"

"Yeah, bad for my stress levels. I'd be less worried if you'd come with me."

"You have your path and I have mine. I'm sure you'll see me again." He shrugged as he grabbed his bag.

He exited the room and I trailed after, leaving all the warmth and the glow behind.

"Really you two? Tori, you just got back on your feet - literally! And you two go and-!"

"Don't."

One word from him, one glance, silenced her. I felt her look at my face, really look at it, and make a small sound.

We drove to the airport. I went one way, they went the other. I didn't look back, I didn't dare stop. I held together my already shattered heart as the plane lifted from the air and tried to place it back together. the world's most complicated jigsaw puzzle in my hands, I landed in Pittsburgh. The unsolvable conundrum in my life I followed the tracks. With already sore legs I climbed. I lay on the couch, immobile, placing piece after minuscule piece back where it belonged. Securing an already fragile glass heart with duct-tape and gorilla glue, praying to a god that didn't exist that this would be the last time I did this.

All I Ask Of You

"She's asleep... Finally," I sighed and sat down on the bed next to Skye. Alice was a handful. Being a child of the cold aside, she was like any other kid - full if way too much energy. It had been about a week since Roy showed up and left Alice with us. I hadn't talked to him much, but he had looked horrible. I didn't mind taking Alice in at all. Except...

"I'm sorry Tori, you probably didn't want to spend your day off like this..." Skye mumbled. 

"I don't mind, really," I smiled slightly and bent down to take off my socks. "Besides, I like having people in the house. It reminds me that I'm not alone..."

I heard Skye move around and ten felt him timidly massaging my shoulders. He had gotten more comfortable with physical contact since we started dating, but he was adverse to accidentally going over any lines. "Yeah but you're tense... And I know you haven't been sleeping well."

I turned around to see that be was giving me a pointed - albeit worried - look. "I never sleep well," I shrugged and leaned forward, trying to see his eyes better. "What's this about?"

"Well... I... T-the thing I-is...." He mumbled, avoiding my eyes. 

My stomach sank. "Do you not want Alice in the house?" I asked him quietly, eyes and voice never wavering. He shook is head no. "What is it then?"

"I-I can't keep p-putting this much stress on you. You were so busy before with your job and missions and now you have to take care if her too and you're gonna burn yourself out because you're too stubborn to admit that you're past the point of what you can handle!" 

Silence. His eyes were churning with upset, sadness, and guilt. Mine were steel doors, crashing shut. 

"Obviously you would not have brought this topic up unless you had a suggestion," I stared at him, eyes and voice cold and emotionless. This was my wall. Shut down so you don't lash out.

"I think... that it would be best if I left for a while..."

I stared at him. I couldn't form a response. A part of me wanted to yell at him to leave, leave like everyone else did, leave before he died too. Another part of me wanted to cling onto him, beg him to stay, to not leave me.

I chose a third option.

"Whatever you think is best," I shrugged, voice monotone. I laid down under the covers and turned away from him. "I can't believe I let myself think that you gave a damn about me anyway..."

Suddenly the covers were ripped off of me and I was pinned on my back. I looked up coolly at Skye, who had tears starting to from. "Don't you dare think that I don't care about you!" He pressed me more firmly into the mattress and my eyes widened. "I'm only thinking about this because you run yourself ragged! You never ask for help and you never wanna lean on me or anyone because you're too used to being alone! You're not alone so just let me in because I love you and I'll never stop loving you!"

"..." I opened my mouth, but no sounds came out. His emotions had spilled over, and the drops were hitting my cheeks.

I'll be the first to admit that my being bad with words has led me to doing some stupid shit. But what I did next? No regrets at all.

I leaned up in his now-slackened grip and lightly pecked him on the lips. "Then don't leave me," I whispered. My voice sounded broken and tired and shocked, but that's because I was. I moved back to see that his lips held a shaky smile.

"I won't." Gently, he laid down beside me and drew me into him. I held on to him contentedly, humming a song.

"What are you humming?" he asked quietly as he rubbed circled into my back. I told him and he gave a small laugh, shaking his head. We fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. We know that things won't be prefect, but at least we have each other...

Love me, that's all I ask of you

Recollection: I've Become What I Fear The Most

Saturday, June 23, 2012; 6:30AM, EST

Antithesis

One month. One month of sitting in the dark and thinking. One month of barely speaking to the other in the apartment. One month of knowing what my decision would be and trying to convince myself otherwise. One month. One decision. So many possible outcomes. Everything leading up to this day. Everything that's happened since almost a year ago. Everything came down to one month, one decision, and fifty plus possible outcomes. 

My thoughts were reeling. Still so much indecision, so many un-thought of possibilites. So many "what if's" plagued my mind. One month of solid thinking, and I still wavered on my decision.

It's for the best of everyone

It could get you killed

It's to protect them.

It's part of his plan you know

I'd rather them be safe than not. And if I have to do this for them, I'll do it.

... Your funeral

A decision had been reached.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as he faded away. I knew he wouldn't be talking with me for a while.

The sound of a dish or mug breaking. Ceramic shattering against tile. A chill in the air. The decision had been made, no going back on it. 

I stood up and stepped out of my room. My walk and posture showed confidence that I didn't have.

Confidence is ignorance.

His last message to me as a runner.

Everyone stood by Lucia, sure that He was here for her, or Devin, or both.

"You can put the weapons down." My voice - scratchy from not being used - startled them.

"Tori, what are you..?" Lucia's confusion turned to understanding. "You don't need to do this."

"I do. You're not the only people I'll need to protect," I gave her a smile. "So, best to get started now."

"Tori, you're insane," Sammi sighed and shook her head at me, but her words were half-hearted. They all knew that whatever I'd been thinking about this past month was of the utmost importance. They all knew that they couldn't sway me from this decision. They dispersed, leaving me with Him and the remnants of a mug that had once held tea.

such a selfless child

His many, many tendrils filled the room. Even in here, His height was enormous. My neck craned so I could look him in the face. Thee was no fear anymore, no indecision. Only a steeled determination to protect those I love.

so willing

He stepped closer. Just one step. I can't tell you what His "voice" sounds like. Wolf describes it as a song, but to me it was just like reading from a passage, or just knowing the words.

such a noble child blinded by love

He was closer, three feet, tendrils surrounded me.

your terms are agreed to

closer. The touch of them was... curious. Smooth. Hot. Sparking with electricity. Hard like polished wood. They were all around me, consuming me. The briefest flare of pain from that long-since healed scar.

Nothing. Blackness. No sound. No sight. Nothing at all.

Sounds came back first. Conversation, low and muted but nearby. The sound of the mug being swept up. The hum of the central heating and air. The soft sound of either Diaram or Kako padding around.

Feelings came back next. Face on carpet, hand on the tiled floor of the kitchen. My shirt sitting uncomfortably on the scar (if it was still just a scar) on my lower back.

I sat up, slightly confused, until the memories filtered back into my mind. I shuddered at the remembered feeling of tendrlis-on-skin and pushed it to the back of my mind. I looked around. Lucia, Wolf, and Fell were talking. Diesel had just finished sweeping and went about mopping up the tea. Sammi was making cookies again. It was as if nothing was different, as if they had simply let me come to in my own time. For that I was grateful.

None of them gave me weird looks. None of them asked what had happened. Four of them knew already, and Lucia had no desire to. Wolf gave me a nod, Fell gave me a smile. Diesel patted me on the head and Sammi offered me some cookie dough (which I gladly accepted). Lucia smiled her thanks, hand resting contentedly on her stomach, and that was the end of it.

This Is What Happens When I Go Through Old Notebooks

Hey guys, long time no type I know. Don't ask how Skye and I are doing - you guys don't need to know. Honestly, I'm too tired to talk about it. I should stop typing up posts at 3AM but... old habits die hard.
Anyway, today I was straightening up my closet and, like any amateur writer, I have notebooks everywhere. So, of course, I had to go through them. Most of them were embarrassing things from middle school and will be burned later. But one turned up.

I know, battered looking right?

blah blah bad drawings....

blah blah bad drawings....

I swear to god I digitally coloured this?? Ah well, it's lost in cyberspace now.

Then, lo and behold, we get to the next section:

I don't do all of my drafting on this website seeing as it likes to eat my posts. And when it comes to important things? Yeah. I hand-write. So, what was in this section? One post...

The post of how I became a proxy, a medic, and the main thing that set all of these events in motion...

Honestly I've read through it. But I don't know if I should post it... I mean, most of you got the tl;dr version of this point and... well... 

I don't know guys... I think I should go the fuck to sleep... I'll schedule this for some random ass time tomorrow and hit the hay...

Reminiscence: Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

Everything was black and red. 

Darkness and blood. 

Their bodies were strewn around me - those I had loved and those I had lost. 

Those who protected me. 

Cared for me. 

Guided me. 

Supported me. 

Died for me. 

They lay there, motionless, silent - heart-wrenchingly so.

And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying, "Save me now!"

"Please! Come back!" I sobbed, falling to my knees in the centre of all of them. 

"I need you! I'm Sorry! Please! Just come back!" 

My tears streamed down my cheeks, flowing down to meld with the blood on my hands. 

Their blood. 

I was the guilty one - I had led them to their deaths without warning; they had trusted me, loved me, and this is what they got.

This is what happened to everyone who got close to me it seemed.

 You were there, impossibly alone

"Please," I begged, "Please come back!"

I looked up to the nothingness of the sky.

"Bring them back!" I shouted, pleaded, cried.

"I need them, I don't know what to do now!" 

"Please!" 

"Bring them back!" 

"I don't want to be alone!" 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

I gasped, shooting upright from my bed. That wasn't the first time that dream had come to me. It wasn't always the same - sometimes the demons that plagued my waking hours made it through my mental labyrinth into my dreams and would grossly re-animate those I've lost. Sometimes they would bring the back perfectly and make me watch as they slaughtered them over and over again.

Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. 

Shaking, I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. It was time for me to wake up anyway, it wasn't healthy for me to sleep in until the early evening every night when I fell asleep around midnight. I turned on the shower, making sure it was just hot enough to bring slight discomfort, and avoided looking at myself in the mirror as I undressed and stepped under the hot jets.

 Let it go

It wasn't that I didn't want to see the scars from (not so)long ago - I just couldn't bare to face myself. There was a part of me - a small part but a very loud one - that hated what I was doing to myself. That part hated my constant sleeping, never eating, and self-destructive habits. I allowed myself to cry for a minute before going about washing my face and hair - more violently than the average person.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

I stayed under the spray until the water ran cold. I shut off the shower and wrapped myself up in a towel. Then, I meandered into the kitchen, picked up the mostly full bottle of Captain Morgan, and drank the rest of my day away. I drank until I was pleasantly warm, and numb, and unable to hear or see anything except myself and my empty house. 

You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space

And then I drank until I had trouble putting on cotton shorts and a sports bra. I drank until I couldn't understand what they were saying on the TV. I drank until the room danced with lights. I drank until the lights were gone. I drank until the sun set. And I drank until I passed out.  

No one there to catch you in their arms

I woke up after blissfully blackness to the sun glaring on my face. My head pounded. My eyes refused to open. My stomach churned. I lurched. I fell.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

I scrabbled for the bottle. It was empty. I tried to stand. I fell. I crawled up the stairs. I pulled myself into the bathroom. I vomited. I vomited more. I vomited until I could only choke up stomach acid. I heaved. I fell. The tile cooled my feverish head. 

Remember all the sadness and frustration

I awakened sometime later, feeling improved but still a bit sick. I stumbled down the stairs and ate some bread. Then I retraced my steps and went into my room. I sighed as I sat down in the uncomfortable chair in front of my corner desk, where my laptop had sat ignored for nearly a year. I opened the lid and started it up. I had forgotten how loud the fan was, how loud the hard drive was. I went onto the familiar site and saw that I had deleted what I had before. I had a clean slate. Which was what I needed.

And let it go.

How long has it been? A year? Time sure files, doesn't it?

Let it go. 

I'll Spend My Christmas With You

Yes, I'm a shameless fan of Owl City

"Tori, wake up," I heard Skye say as he shook my shoulder gently.

"I don' wannaaaa," I mumbled and rolled over, cocooning myself in my blankets. I was warm and comfortable, I didn't feel like moving.

"I have your present," he said as he sat down on the other side of my bed. Well, that got my attention.

"What is it?" I poked my head out from under my covers and glared at Skye when he laughed at my bed-head. "Shut up..." I grumbled as a tried to fix my hair. I scooted myself up, blankets still wrapped around me, and reached down on the floor to pull up his bag of presents.

"I didn't say a thing," he laughed. I rolled my eyes at him and we exchanged gifts. Mine was a small box. I resisted the temptation to shake it because small generally means breakable. We sat there awkwardly, neither of us wanting to go first.

"You can go ahead, yours is bigger anyway," I smiled.

"A-alright..." he mumbled as he started taking out the wrapping paper. The first thing he pulled out was the main gift. He carefully unfolded the 4" blade from its sheath and stared at it.

"I figured that it might be good for you to get away from the runes for a bit," I shrugged. He was having a little trouble closing it so I shifted over and put my hands on top of his. "See you press this sideways and fold it in gently," I told him, using my hands to manipulate his. My chin was resting on his shoulder so I could see what I was doing.

"O-Okay, thanks T-tori," he blushed. I chuckled and backed up, motioning for him to finish opening his gifts. The second thing was a sketch book for runes. I had scribbled out "I swear to god if you put another rune on your skin I will kill you myself :)" on the first page. "Funny," he grumbled.

The last thing was an ugly Christmas sweater I got for like, five bucks at Good Will. Skye looked at me dubiously while I laughed at his expression. "I'm sorry, your face though!" I laughed.

"Just open your gift, Tori," he shook his head, obviously fighting back a smile. 

"Fine, fine," I rolled my eyes and situated myself so I was sitting cross-legged. By now I had gotten tired of being so tangled up so I had kicked the sheets off. I was in fuzzy pants and a huge t-shirt, my cold-weather sleep-wear. 

I picked up the small box and slit open the wrapping paper with my nails, feeling too lazy to grab one of the twenty knives I had lying around my room. Before proceeding with opening the small, black box that now sat in my lap, I balled up the wrapping paper and tossed it at Skye. It hit dead center on his fore-head. We laughed a little before I returned to my gift. 

"Holy shit Skye, where did you find this?" I looked up at him, not sure what I was feeling. He had gotten me a necklace. The chain was durable and silver and hanging on it was a pendant shaped like a small dagger with a deep purple rose in the middle of the "blade." 

He shrugged, but before he could answer I tackled him in a hug, knocking him backwards onto my bed. He laughed and I felt his arms wrap around me. "I'm guessing you like it?" I heard him say. I nodded before looking up at him. I started to say something, but I didn't know how to express what I was feeling.

"I... Just... Thank you," I smiled and laid my head back down on his chest. I felt him rub circles on my back and I closed my eyes, relaxed. 

"Hey Tori?"

"Mm?" I mumbled.

"I..." he trailed off and I felt him tense up. 

I propped myself up to look at him and I was in his eyes and blushing face the same confusion and mix of emotions that I felt. His blue eyes looked away from mine out of embarrassment. I smiled down at him gently, shaking my head slightly. 

"I know, me too." His eyes snapped back to mine in shock and I gave a slight laugh at his shock.
"But I didn't say anything," he stared up at me, confused.

"You don't need to," I smiled. My lips tugged down at the ends. "Fuck. I can imagine the comments now," I groaned.

Skye laughed and gently pulled me back down to rest my head on his chest. "We can worry about that later, alright?"

I hummed in contentment. "That sounds great." 

I Didn't Die, I Went Straight To Retail Hell

Now, many of you are probably wondering "Tori. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?"

I've been in hell. AKA: working retail during the damn holidays. So buckle up boys and girls, for I am about to tell to you a thing. And the moral? Don't be a dick to the cashier. They will talk trash about you behind your back.

Now, some of you may be wondering, "Tori how the hell did you manage to get a job? You don't have any legal guardians or fake papers... You don't have fake papers right?"

Well, as I've said before "yes I have a fake ID. Don't ask how or why, just accept it" But that's the extent of it. And it's a high-quality one. A little ghost may have told me who to get in contact with to get one, but that's beside the point.

The guy who ended up hiring me was, big surprise, also a proxy. Hell, that's why he hired me. Honestly I think he just needed someone in the loop that he could talk to semi-regularly - I take Skye for granted in that regard.

Now, having two proxies in one store is troubling sometimes, especially when Father decides to assign one or both of us missions in the MIDDLE OF OUR SHIFTS. Seriously, I was on break one time and He just pops up out of fucking NOWHERE. 

And yes, it does make the security cameras to haywire. It's funny to see the company guys come out and scratch their heads over it though. They always ask me if I know what's up with it or anything and I tell them that I've long accepted it as just the system being itself. After all, our registers are narcoleptic.

Now, it's not just Matt - the manager - and I. There's other part-timers, like me, and assistant managers. (Matt's the Store Manager). I don't really work with many of the others. I see them and am friendly with them, but it's usually just Matt and myself on the night shift most nights. Matt says it's more a safety thing and I believe it - Father likes to pop in at night a lot, as I've said... god I'm so scattered in this post. I've been away from the blog for too long...

Switching topics, I do have some pretty crazy customer stories - you can't work retail and escape them. Especially when you work nights, that's when all the freaky-deaky people roll up and buy about 20 condoms, strawberry-kiwi lube, and some cat litter. Yeah.

Since I can practically hear you all screaming at your screens "WHAT ABOUT MY SHIPPING? GIVE ME OTP FEELS." I'll indulge you in saying that... Skye will cover all of the Christmas preparations... because he did most of it...

But hey, I got cookie dough out of it and there was a flour battle. Worth it. (I won for sure.)

I'm still here.

I'll get to the post about why there's been radio silence for so long. But that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to show off my new weapons!

First off is my butterfly knife. You guys don't understand how much I love this thing.

Secondly. Oh look a hair brush

jk it's a shank

And then I had some fun:

HELLO YES I KILL PEOPLE FOR A LIVING

And this one is M's picture... She enjoys weapons as well... She just needs to steal my body to use them.

Well I'll get to work on my post about how Retail is HELL around this time of the year soon...

I Still Have Nothing Better To Do

CLICK ME  I finally finished up my "Shit I've Been Through" page.

Because I Have Nothing Better To Do With My Time

I made a music page. Yes it's necessary.

Mission The Second Part Three (See Who I Am)

Is it true what they say?
Are we too blind to find a way?

Saturday.  27 July, 2013. Roughly 10PM, EST.

"What the hell are you doing?!" I yelled as Adrian dragged me out of my tent, one of my own pistols pressed to my head. He held me in front of him, gripping my wrists tightly behind my back. My shout woke up everyone else and alerted James, who was on guard duty. They all came rushing over, but stopped when they saw that he had a gun to my head.

Fear of the unknown
Clouds our hearts today.

"I'm gonna make this simple guys. I'm a proxy and I've been picking you guys off one by one since I joined up. Crazy right?" he laughed and pulled me closer to him, pressing the gun firmly against my temple. I let out a whimper of fear - a fake one of course.

"Please stop," I begged him, trying to squirm out of his grasp. "Let me go."

Come into my world,
See through my eyes.

"Now, now little miss, why would I want to do that?" I could hear the smirk in his voice. He loosened his grip on my wrists though, thankfully. We had agreed that this had to look convincing, but neither of us wanted the other to get hurt.

"What do you want?" Luke spat, glaring daggers at Adrian.

"Easy," he shrugged, "convert or die."

Try to understand,
Don't want to lose what we have.

"Like you won't kill us after we say that we'll become proxies?" Luke growled.

"We don't kill our own, we're like a family." Adrian smiled at them as he lightly tapped the trigger.

I was looking at all of them fearfully as tears started to well up in my eyes. "W-what about me?"

We've been dreaming
But who can deny?

Adrian let out a short chuckle. "Oh, I think you can imagine my plans for you, converted or not." He let go of my wrists and pulled his arm around me, holding me in a vice-like grip against his body. It was quite obvious what his intentions were.

"You're fucking sick!" I spat, "I'm not even legal!" This wasn't part of the plan, I had established that there would be nothing like... this happening unless he wanted to pay the consequences. Evidently he did.

It's the best way of living
Between the truth and the lies.

"It's not like anyone can stop me, you're all below me." I shuddered in revulsion as he started stroking my hip.

I snapped.

See who I am,
Break through the surface.

If he wasn't going to follow the plan than I wasn't either. I jabbed him in the kidney and neatly took my gun back, aiming it as his neck. "Okay you creep, I'm tired of you. So just sit down, shut up, and don't touch me again."

I smiled and turned back to the other four. "Sorry about that, seems like someone isn't good at following directions," I laughed. "Anyway, my name is Tori and it will be my pleasure to kill you all tonight if you refuse to convert."

Reach for my hand,
Let's show them that we can

The stared at me in shocked silence.

"Yes, I'm a proxy as well. You guys are so naive. I mean really now? Will you let any pretty face you meet in a dark alley join your group? Careless..."

"What the hell?! We trusted you - both of you!" Lucas roared.

"Trust is for fools who don't know how the universe works," I scoffed.

Free our minds and find a way.
The world is in our hands,

Just then, James rushed at me, knife in hand. I blocked his strike with my gun before disarming him. I went back to pointing the gun and Adrian and pointed James' knife back at him. "Such a childish attempt," I rolled my eyes.

Without warning, I brought the gun to point at James and fired off a shot, not flinching at the loud sound when everyone else - including Adrian - did. "Next time you won't get so lucky."

I had fired over his head.

This is not the end.

"Now, you have two choices here. You can either live and work for my Father alongside myself and this sniveling idiot or I can kill you, as is my job."

"None of us are converting, that's final." Lucas spoke with an authority that seemed to reassure the rest of the runners.

Fear is withering the soul
At the point of no return.

"Then all of you are dying, that's final." The corners of my mouth lifted up in a feral smirk. "So, which one of you is first? You all seem so eager to die after all."

Silence. The runners looked at each other, the fact that I was going to kill them finally sinking in. Through some unspoken agreement, Lucas and James rushed me, thinking that brute strength would subdue me.

We must be the change we wish to see.
 

"Easy."

I fired off three shots and blood arced onto the ground. I hit James twice in both of his legs and Lucas once, through his shoulder.

They fell to the ground, moaning in pain.

I'll come into your world,
See through your eyes.

"Adrian, would you mind dealing with the ladies while I take care of these two?" I asked casually, flipping the knife around and catching it easily by the blade to hold the handle out to him.

"No problem," he responded. I flickered my eyes down to see that he had a feral smile on his face, one to match mine.

I'll try to understand,
Before we lose what we have.

He stood up easily and gently took the knife from me. He started walking over to the twins, who were now cowering against each other, but paused and turned around. "You wanna have coffee after this?"

"Possibly," I shrugged before kicking James in the head to keep him down.

"Now, I'm going to ask again boys," I knelt down and smirked down at the both of them. "Will you join me?"

We just can't stop believing
Because we have to try.

"Never you bitch," Lucas spat. I shot him in his hand and he screamed in pain.

"I'm giving you so many chances," I sighed, as if I was talking to a particularly rude child, "And yet you still refuse to see reason." I moved both of their heads so the could look at me.

"You twisted whore!" James growled.

We can rise above their truth and their lies.

"Ah-ah-ah," I chastised him, "no naughty words." I shot James in his hand as well. He was better at keeping in his cry of pain, but a pained sound still managed to eeke through his lips.

"I'm giving you one last-" my sentence was cut off by one of the twins screaming.

See who I am,

"Can you keep it down over there?" I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, your gun makes more noise than her screaming," Adrian shot back.

Break through the surface.

"Point. Feel free to continue," I shrugged before putting a bullet into Lucas' left shoulder.

"Last chance boys. And I promise that the gun won't take you to your maker," I smirked down at them before flipping out a switchblade I had in my pocket.

Reach for my hand,

I saw them glance at each other before looking back up at me.

"No."

"Your choice. Too bad it's the wrong one."

I started with Lucas, slashing a line from his shoulder to his hand, making sure not to nick an artery. Then I turned to James and carved an intricate, swirling pattern on his cheeks. Their screams mixed with those of the twins'.

And show them that we can

An intoxicating sound. A symphony of shrieks and yells and cries for mercy.

"I can see it, you'll be leaving this world soon. Last chance. My Father can save you," I whispered as I dragged the blade lazily across their mauled skin. 

Free our minds and find a way.

They were both too tired form blood loss to say a word, but had just enough strength to muster up glares.

The world is in our hands.

"Your loss. Say hello to my father for me, will you two pitiful humans?"

They departed just as Adrian got tired of the two girls and slit their throats. I stood up and walked over to him.

This is not the end.

"Impressive work," I smirked as we admired his handiwork. He had favored small stab wounds to my elaborate cuts.

Just then a wave of dizziness washed over me and I swayed. Adrian held me upright while the world turned black and faded back in. 

I hear their silence
Preaching my blame.

"You okay?" he asked cautiously.

"I..." I blinked and looked around the blood-soaked rooftop, down to my clothes, over to him, the rising sun, the blood, the twins, Lucas, James, the blood, my clothes, his clothes, the rooftop.

"I... I... How..." realization dawned on me and I let out an angry growl.

"You okay?" he asked again.

Will our strength remain
If their power reigns?

"No I'm-" I caught sight of my hands, the red, the blood, the smell. "I'm afraid that... I wasn't myself just then."

"Yeah well the slowly-torture-two-guys you is really hot," he smirked and ran his bloody hands on my bloody hips and up to my bloody sides.

"NO!"

See who I am,

I whirled around and slashed his arm with the knife. Nothing major. But it was enough to get him to keep is distance.

My chest heaved up and down and my eyes darted around like a trapped animal. I couldn't get that coppery smell out of my nose. I couldn't wash the red from my vision.

"S-stay away," my voice shook. But I wasn't talking to him.

Break through the surface.

"Awh, but I had so much fun. And he's hot. Why don't you dump the bookworm and fuck this one's brains out?"

"You're not allowed control! We agreed on that!"

Reach for my hand,

"Who are you talking to?" Adrian looked around.

"Leave." I stared him down. 

And show them that we can

He started to protest, but I glared at him and raised my gun. He ran.

"You shouldn't have done that! You can't-"

"Only when you really want me to. You wanted to do this, you just needed the strength and balance. You have them, but I have more. It was resourceful," she shrugged and walked around the bodies of the twins.

Free our minds and find a way.

"No. It was all you! I didn't do anything!"

"You planned, you plotted, now you're running from the glory."

"N-"

"Victoria Lee Francis you are a bloodthristy killer and nothing will change that."

The world is in our hands.

"No! I'm not... I didn't"

But I did. And I am.

And I'm still not okay with that.

This is not the end.