Reminiscence: Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

Everything was black and red. 

Darkness and blood. 

Their bodies were strewn around me - those I had loved and those I had lost. 

Those who protected me. 

Cared for me. 

Guided me. 

Supported me. 

Died for me. 

They lay there, motionless, silent - heart-wrenchingly so.

And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying, "Save me now!"

"Please! Come back!" I sobbed, falling to my knees in the centre of all of them. 

"I need you! I'm Sorry! Please! Just come back!" 

My tears streamed down my cheeks, flowing down to meld with the blood on my hands. 

Their blood. 

I was the guilty one - I had led them to their deaths without warning; they had trusted me, loved me, and this is what they got.

This is what happened to everyone who got close to me it seemed.

 You were there, impossibly alone

"Please," I begged, "Please come back!"

I looked up to the nothingness of the sky.

"Bring them back!" I shouted, pleaded, cried.

"I need them, I don't know what to do now!" 

"Please!" 

"Bring them back!" 

"I don't want to be alone!" 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

I gasped, shooting upright from my bed. That wasn't the first time that dream had come to me. It wasn't always the same - sometimes the demons that plagued my waking hours made it through my mental labyrinth into my dreams and would grossly re-animate those I've lost. Sometimes they would bring the back perfectly and make me watch as they slaughtered them over and over again.

Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. 

Shaking, I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. It was time for me to wake up anyway, it wasn't healthy for me to sleep in until the early evening every night when I fell asleep around midnight. I turned on the shower, making sure it was just hot enough to bring slight discomfort, and avoided looking at myself in the mirror as I undressed and stepped under the hot jets.

 Let it go

It wasn't that I didn't want to see the scars from (not so)long ago - I just couldn't bare to face myself. There was a part of me - a small part but a very loud one - that hated what I was doing to myself. That part hated my constant sleeping, never eating, and self-destructive habits. I allowed myself to cry for a minute before going about washing my face and hair - more violently than the average person.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

I stayed under the spray until the water ran cold. I shut off the shower and wrapped myself up in a towel. Then, I meandered into the kitchen, picked up the mostly full bottle of Captain Morgan, and drank the rest of my day away. I drank until I was pleasantly warm, and numb, and unable to hear or see anything except myself and my empty house. 

You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space

And then I drank until I had trouble putting on cotton shorts and a sports bra. I drank until I couldn't understand what they were saying on the TV. I drank until the room danced with lights. I drank until the lights were gone. I drank until the sun set. And I drank until I passed out.  

No one there to catch you in their arms

I woke up after blissfully blackness to the sun glaring on my face. My head pounded. My eyes refused to open. My stomach churned. I lurched. I fell.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

I scrabbled for the bottle. It was empty. I tried to stand. I fell. I crawled up the stairs. I pulled myself into the bathroom. I vomited. I vomited more. I vomited until I could only choke up stomach acid. I heaved. I fell. The tile cooled my feverish head. 

Remember all the sadness and frustration

I awakened sometime later, feeling improved but still a bit sick. I stumbled down the stairs and ate some bread. Then I retraced my steps and went into my room. I sighed as I sat down in the uncomfortable chair in front of my corner desk, where my laptop had sat ignored for nearly a year. I opened the lid and started it up. I had forgotten how loud the fan was, how loud the hard drive was. I went onto the familiar site and saw that I had deleted what I had before. I had a clean slate. Which was what I needed.

And let it go.

How long has it been? A year? Time sure files, doesn't it?

Let it go. 

I'll Spend My Christmas With You

Yes, I'm a shameless fan of Owl City

"Tori, wake up," I heard Skye say as he shook my shoulder gently.

"I don' wannaaaa," I mumbled and rolled over, cocooning myself in my blankets. I was warm and comfortable, I didn't feel like moving.

"I have your present," he said as he sat down on the other side of my bed. Well, that got my attention.

"What is it?" I poked my head out from under my covers and glared at Skye when he laughed at my bed-head. "Shut up..." I grumbled as a tried to fix my hair. I scooted myself up, blankets still wrapped around me, and reached down on the floor to pull up his bag of presents.

"I didn't say a thing," he laughed. I rolled my eyes at him and we exchanged gifts. Mine was a small box. I resisted the temptation to shake it because small generally means breakable. We sat there awkwardly, neither of us wanting to go first.

"You can go ahead, yours is bigger anyway," I smiled.

"A-alright..." he mumbled as he started taking out the wrapping paper. The first thing he pulled out was the main gift. He carefully unfolded the 4" blade from its sheath and stared at it.

"I figured that it might be good for you to get away from the runes for a bit," I shrugged. He was having a little trouble closing it so I shifted over and put my hands on top of his. "See you press this sideways and fold it in gently," I told him, using my hands to manipulate his. My chin was resting on his shoulder so I could see what I was doing.

"O-Okay, thanks T-tori," he blushed. I chuckled and backed up, motioning for him to finish opening his gifts. The second thing was a sketch book for runes. I had scribbled out "I swear to god if you put another rune on your skin I will kill you myself :)" on the first page. "Funny," he grumbled.

The last thing was an ugly Christmas sweater I got for like, five bucks at Good Will. Skye looked at me dubiously while I laughed at his expression. "I'm sorry, your face though!" I laughed.

"Just open your gift, Tori," he shook his head, obviously fighting back a smile. 

"Fine, fine," I rolled my eyes and situated myself so I was sitting cross-legged. By now I had gotten tired of being so tangled up so I had kicked the sheets off. I was in fuzzy pants and a huge t-shirt, my cold-weather sleep-wear. 

I picked up the small box and slit open the wrapping paper with my nails, feeling too lazy to grab one of the twenty knives I had lying around my room. Before proceeding with opening the small, black box that now sat in my lap, I balled up the wrapping paper and tossed it at Skye. It hit dead center on his fore-head. We laughed a little before I returned to my gift. 

"Holy shit Skye, where did you find this?" I looked up at him, not sure what I was feeling. He had gotten me a necklace. The chain was durable and silver and hanging on it was a pendant shaped like a small dagger with a deep purple rose in the middle of the "blade." 

He shrugged, but before he could answer I tackled him in a hug, knocking him backwards onto my bed. He laughed and I felt his arms wrap around me. "I'm guessing you like it?" I heard him say. I nodded before looking up at him. I started to say something, but I didn't know how to express what I was feeling.

"I... Just... Thank you," I smiled and laid my head back down on his chest. I felt him rub circles on my back and I closed my eyes, relaxed. 

"Hey Tori?"

"Mm?" I mumbled.

"I..." he trailed off and I felt him tense up. 

I propped myself up to look at him and I was in his eyes and blushing face the same confusion and mix of emotions that I felt. His blue eyes looked away from mine out of embarrassment. I smiled down at him gently, shaking my head slightly. 

"I know, me too." His eyes snapped back to mine in shock and I gave a slight laugh at his shock.
"But I didn't say anything," he stared up at me, confused.

"You don't need to," I smiled. My lips tugged down at the ends. "Fuck. I can imagine the comments now," I groaned.

Skye laughed and gently pulled me back down to rest my head on his chest. "We can worry about that later, alright?"

I hummed in contentment. "That sounds great." 

I Didn't Die, I Went Straight To Retail Hell

Now, many of you are probably wondering "Tori. WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?"

I've been in hell. AKA: working retail during the damn holidays. So buckle up boys and girls, for I am about to tell to you a thing. And the moral? Don't be a dick to the cashier. They will talk trash about you behind your back.

Now, some of you may be wondering, "Tori how the hell did you manage to get a job? You don't have any legal guardians or fake papers... You don't have fake papers right?"

Well, as I've said before "yes I have a fake ID. Don't ask how or why, just accept it" But that's the extent of it. And it's a high-quality one. A little ghost may have told me who to get in contact with to get one, but that's beside the point.

The guy who ended up hiring me was, big surprise, also a proxy. Hell, that's why he hired me. Honestly I think he just needed someone in the loop that he could talk to semi-regularly - I take Skye for granted in that regard.

Now, having two proxies in one store is troubling sometimes, especially when Father decides to assign one or both of us missions in the MIDDLE OF OUR SHIFTS. Seriously, I was on break one time and He just pops up out of fucking NOWHERE. 

And yes, it does make the security cameras to haywire. It's funny to see the company guys come out and scratch their heads over it though. They always ask me if I know what's up with it or anything and I tell them that I've long accepted it as just the system being itself. After all, our registers are narcoleptic.

Now, it's not just Matt - the manager - and I. There's other part-timers, like me, and assistant managers. (Matt's the Store Manager). I don't really work with many of the others. I see them and am friendly with them, but it's usually just Matt and myself on the night shift most nights. Matt says it's more a safety thing and I believe it - Father likes to pop in at night a lot, as I've said... god I'm so scattered in this post. I've been away from the blog for too long...

Switching topics, I do have some pretty crazy customer stories - you can't work retail and escape them. Especially when you work nights, that's when all the freaky-deaky people roll up and buy about 20 condoms, strawberry-kiwi lube, and some cat litter. Yeah.

Since I can practically hear you all screaming at your screens "WHAT ABOUT MY SHIPPING? GIVE ME OTP FEELS." I'll indulge you in saying that... Skye will cover all of the Christmas preparations... because he did most of it...

But hey, I got cookie dough out of it and there was a flour battle. Worth it. (I won for sure.)

I'm still here.

I'll get to the post about why there's been radio silence for so long. But that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to show off my new weapons!

First off is my butterfly knife. You guys don't understand how much I love this thing.

Secondly. Oh look a hair brush

jk it's a shank

And then I had some fun:

HELLO YES I KILL PEOPLE FOR A LIVING

And this one is M's picture... She enjoys weapons as well... She just needs to steal my body to use them.

Well I'll get to work on my post about how Retail is HELL around this time of the year soon...

I Still Have Nothing Better To Do

CLICK ME  I finally finished up my "Shit I've Been Through" page.

Because I Have Nothing Better To Do With My Time

I made a music page. Yes it's necessary.

Mission The Second Part Three (See Who I Am)

Is it true what they say?
Are we too blind to find a way?

Saturday.  27 July, 2013. Roughly 10PM, EST.

"What the hell are you doing?!" I yelled as Adrian dragged me out of my tent, one of my own pistols pressed to my head. He held me in front of him, gripping my wrists tightly behind my back. My shout woke up everyone else and alerted James, who was on guard duty. They all came rushing over, but stopped when they saw that he had a gun to my head.

Fear of the unknown
Clouds our hearts today.

"I'm gonna make this simple guys. I'm a proxy and I've been picking you guys off one by one since I joined up. Crazy right?" he laughed and pulled me closer to him, pressing the gun firmly against my temple. I let out a whimper of fear - a fake one of course.

"Please stop," I begged him, trying to squirm out of his grasp. "Let me go."

Come into my world,
See through my eyes.

"Now, now little miss, why would I want to do that?" I could hear the smirk in his voice. He loosened his grip on my wrists though, thankfully. We had agreed that this had to look convincing, but neither of us wanted the other to get hurt.

"What do you want?" Luke spat, glaring daggers at Adrian.

"Easy," he shrugged, "convert or die."

Try to understand,
Don't want to lose what we have.

"Like you won't kill us after we say that we'll become proxies?" Luke growled.

"We don't kill our own, we're like a family." Adrian smiled at them as he lightly tapped the trigger.

I was looking at all of them fearfully as tears started to well up in my eyes. "W-what about me?"

We've been dreaming
But who can deny?

Adrian let out a short chuckle. "Oh, I think you can imagine my plans for you, converted or not." He let go of my wrists and pulled his arm around me, holding me in a vice-like grip against his body. It was quite obvious what his intentions were.

"You're fucking sick!" I spat, "I'm not even legal!" This wasn't part of the plan, I had established that there would be nothing like... this happening unless he wanted to pay the consequences. Evidently he did.

It's the best way of living
Between the truth and the lies.

"It's not like anyone can stop me, you're all below me." I shuddered in revulsion as he started stroking my hip.

I snapped.

See who I am,
Break through the surface.

If he wasn't going to follow the plan than I wasn't either. I jabbed him in the kidney and neatly took my gun back, aiming it as his neck. "Okay you creep, I'm tired of you. So just sit down, shut up, and don't touch me again."

I smiled and turned back to the other four. "Sorry about that, seems like someone isn't good at following directions," I laughed. "Anyway, my name is Tori and it will be my pleasure to kill you all tonight if you refuse to convert."

Reach for my hand,
Let's show them that we can

The stared at me in shocked silence.

"Yes, I'm a proxy as well. You guys are so naive. I mean really now? Will you let any pretty face you meet in a dark alley join your group? Careless..."

"What the hell?! We trusted you - both of you!" Lucas roared.

"Trust is for fools who don't know how the universe works," I scoffed.

Free our minds and find a way.
The world is in our hands,

Just then, James rushed at me, knife in hand. I blocked his strike with my gun before disarming him. I went back to pointing the gun and Adrian and pointed James' knife back at him. "Such a childish attempt," I rolled my eyes.

Without warning, I brought the gun to point at James and fired off a shot, not flinching at the loud sound when everyone else - including Adrian - did. "Next time you won't get so lucky."

I had fired over his head.

This is not the end.

"Now, you have two choices here. You can either live and work for my Father alongside myself and this sniveling idiot or I can kill you, as is my job."

"None of us are converting, that's final." Lucas spoke with an authority that seemed to reassure the rest of the runners.

Fear is withering the soul
At the point of no return.

"Then all of you are dying, that's final." The corners of my mouth lifted up in a feral smirk. "So, which one of you is first? You all seem so eager to die after all."

Silence. The runners looked at each other, the fact that I was going to kill them finally sinking in. Through some unspoken agreement, Lucas and James rushed me, thinking that brute strength would subdue me.

We must be the change we wish to see.
 

"Easy."

I fired off three shots and blood arced onto the ground. I hit James twice in both of his legs and Lucas once, through his shoulder.

They fell to the ground, moaning in pain.

I'll come into your world,
See through your eyes.

"Adrian, would you mind dealing with the ladies while I take care of these two?" I asked casually, flipping the knife around and catching it easily by the blade to hold the handle out to him.

"No problem," he responded. I flickered my eyes down to see that he had a feral smile on his face, one to match mine.

I'll try to understand,
Before we lose what we have.

He stood up easily and gently took the knife from me. He started walking over to the twins, who were now cowering against each other, but paused and turned around. "You wanna have coffee after this?"

"Possibly," I shrugged before kicking James in the head to keep him down.

"Now, I'm going to ask again boys," I knelt down and smirked down at the both of them. "Will you join me?"

We just can't stop believing
Because we have to try.

"Never you bitch," Lucas spat. I shot him in his hand and he screamed in pain.

"I'm giving you so many chances," I sighed, as if I was talking to a particularly rude child, "And yet you still refuse to see reason." I moved both of their heads so the could look at me.

"You twisted whore!" James growled.

We can rise above their truth and their lies.

"Ah-ah-ah," I chastised him, "no naughty words." I shot James in his hand as well. He was better at keeping in his cry of pain, but a pained sound still managed to eeke through his lips.

"I'm giving you one last-" my sentence was cut off by one of the twins screaming.

See who I am,

"Can you keep it down over there?" I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, your gun makes more noise than her screaming," Adrian shot back.

Break through the surface.

"Point. Feel free to continue," I shrugged before putting a bullet into Lucas' left shoulder.

"Last chance boys. And I promise that the gun won't take you to your maker," I smirked down at them before flipping out a switchblade I had in my pocket.

Reach for my hand,

I saw them glance at each other before looking back up at me.

"No."

"Your choice. Too bad it's the wrong one."

I started with Lucas, slashing a line from his shoulder to his hand, making sure not to nick an artery. Then I turned to James and carved an intricate, swirling pattern on his cheeks. Their screams mixed with those of the twins'.

And show them that we can

An intoxicating sound. A symphony of shrieks and yells and cries for mercy.

"I can see it, you'll be leaving this world soon. Last chance. My Father can save you," I whispered as I dragged the blade lazily across their mauled skin. 

Free our minds and find a way.

They were both too tired form blood loss to say a word, but had just enough strength to muster up glares.

The world is in our hands.

"Your loss. Say hello to my father for me, will you two pitiful humans?"

They departed just as Adrian got tired of the two girls and slit their throats. I stood up and walked over to him.

This is not the end.

"Impressive work," I smirked as we admired his handiwork. He had favored small stab wounds to my elaborate cuts.

Just then a wave of dizziness washed over me and I swayed. Adrian held me upright while the world turned black and faded back in. 

I hear their silence
Preaching my blame.

"You okay?" he asked cautiously.

"I..." I blinked and looked around the blood-soaked rooftop, down to my clothes, over to him, the rising sun, the blood, the twins, Lucas, James, the blood, my clothes, his clothes, the rooftop.

"I... I... How..." realization dawned on me and I let out an angry growl.

"You okay?" he asked again.

Will our strength remain
If their power reigns?

"No I'm-" I caught sight of my hands, the red, the blood, the smell. "I'm afraid that... I wasn't myself just then."

"Yeah well the slowly-torture-two-guys you is really hot," he smirked and ran his bloody hands on my bloody hips and up to my bloody sides.

"NO!"

See who I am,

I whirled around and slashed his arm with the knife. Nothing major. But it was enough to get him to keep is distance.

My chest heaved up and down and my eyes darted around like a trapped animal. I couldn't get that coppery smell out of my nose. I couldn't wash the red from my vision.

"S-stay away," my voice shook. But I wasn't talking to him.

Break through the surface.

"Awh, but I had so much fun. And he's hot. Why don't you dump the bookworm and fuck this one's brains out?"

"You're not allowed control! We agreed on that!"

Reach for my hand,

"Who are you talking to?" Adrian looked around.

"Leave." I stared him down. 

And show them that we can

He started to protest, but I glared at him and raised my gun. He ran.

"You shouldn't have done that! You can't-"

"Only when you really want me to. You wanted to do this, you just needed the strength and balance. You have them, but I have more. It was resourceful," she shrugged and walked around the bodies of the twins.

Free our minds and find a way.

"No. It was all you! I didn't do anything!"

"You planned, you plotted, now you're running from the glory."

"N-"

"Victoria Lee Francis you are a bloodthristy killer and nothing will change that."

The world is in our hands.

"No! I'm not... I didn't"

But I did. And I am.

And I'm still not okay with that.

This is not the end.