Reminiscence: Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

Everything was black and red. 

Darkness and blood. 

Their bodies were strewn around me - those I had loved and those I had lost. 

Those who protected me. 

Cared for me. 

Guided me. 

Supported me. 

Died for me. 

They lay there, motionless, silent - heart-wrenchingly so.

And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying, "Save me now!"

"Please! Come back!" I sobbed, falling to my knees in the centre of all of them. 

"I need you! I'm Sorry! Please! Just come back!" 

My tears streamed down my cheeks, flowing down to meld with the blood on my hands. 

Their blood. 

I was the guilty one - I had led them to their deaths without warning; they had trusted me, loved me, and this is what they got.

This is what happened to everyone who got close to me it seemed.

 You were there, impossibly alone

"Please," I begged, "Please come back!"

I looked up to the nothingness of the sky.

"Bring them back!" I shouted, pleaded, cried.

"I need them, I don't know what to do now!" 

"Please!" 

"Bring them back!" 

"I don't want to be alone!" 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

I gasped, shooting upright from my bed. That wasn't the first time that dream had come to me. It wasn't always the same - sometimes the demons that plagued my waking hours made it through my mental labyrinth into my dreams and would grossly re-animate those I've lost. Sometimes they would bring the back perfectly and make me watch as they slaughtered them over and over again.

Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. 

Shaking, I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. It was time for me to wake up anyway, it wasn't healthy for me to sleep in until the early evening every night when I fell asleep around midnight. I turned on the shower, making sure it was just hot enough to bring slight discomfort, and avoided looking at myself in the mirror as I undressed and stepped under the hot jets.

 Let it go

It wasn't that I didn't want to see the scars from (not so)long ago - I just couldn't bare to face myself. There was a part of me - a small part but a very loud one - that hated what I was doing to myself. That part hated my constant sleeping, never eating, and self-destructive habits. I allowed myself to cry for a minute before going about washing my face and hair - more violently than the average person.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

I stayed under the spray until the water ran cold. I shut off the shower and wrapped myself up in a towel. Then, I meandered into the kitchen, picked up the mostly full bottle of Captain Morgan, and drank the rest of my day away. I drank until I was pleasantly warm, and numb, and unable to hear or see anything except myself and my empty house. 

You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space

And then I drank until I had trouble putting on cotton shorts and a sports bra. I drank until I couldn't understand what they were saying on the TV. I drank until the room danced with lights. I drank until the lights were gone. I drank until the sun set. And I drank until I passed out.  

No one there to catch you in their arms

I woke up after blissfully blackness to the sun glaring on my face. My head pounded. My eyes refused to open. My stomach churned. I lurched. I fell.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

I scrabbled for the bottle. It was empty. I tried to stand. I fell. I crawled up the stairs. I pulled myself into the bathroom. I vomited. I vomited more. I vomited until I could only choke up stomach acid. I heaved. I fell. The tile cooled my feverish head. 

Remember all the sadness and frustration

I awakened sometime later, feeling improved but still a bit sick. I stumbled down the stairs and ate some bread. Then I retraced my steps and went into my room. I sighed as I sat down in the uncomfortable chair in front of my corner desk, where my laptop had sat ignored for nearly a year. I opened the lid and started it up. I had forgotten how loud the fan was, how loud the hard drive was. I went onto the familiar site and saw that I had deleted what I had before. I had a clean slate. Which was what I needed.

And let it go.

How long has it been? A year? Time sure files, doesn't it?

Let it go.