The post about my latest mission...

It's long. I'm breaking it into parts. Three sounds good.

I keep telling myself that I am not less of a person because of what I did, but that's a lie.

I'm home

I hate myself

Story of the Child

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She lived during the Greek Empire. She felt close to her patron god, Apollo. She was like every other girl that was living then, but that doesn't mean that she wasn't different.

The girl was ran though with a spear for throwing a rock at the Roman commander that took over her town at the age of eleven.

Public Service Announcement #1

This next mission I'm going on... well it's going to take a while. I won't say why. I'm leaving sometime tomorrow, so I'll be online until then...

I'm not happy with the way this mission will be executed, but it's necessary...

But I'll be away from wifi and I don't want to kill my phone's battery by using data. But I promise I'll be fine... well physically...

Also I'm extremely tired right now. I prefer to go a night or two without sleep and slip right into the deeper sleep than sleep everynight and be plagued by nightmares in REM state. Not to say that I don't have the occasional nightmare, but it's not like I'm waking up Skye screaming anymore. So that's good I suppose....

Well, I guess I'll talk to most of you after this mission....

fucking technology

hey there its m. im typiong up my post about by lovely and smoking hot self that i was promised. be a dear and forget any typos im no too famililar with technology. it keeps changing so ive stopped trying to learn it.

ummmm lets see well im a demon so i guess thats a starting point. i used to be a human by the way, and i was a tiger before then. but explaining it out would probably get me vanished by the powers that be. you can make guesses and all but i wont give you an answer. but any random ass posts that tori makes... well dont take them at face value. trust me she knows how to skit around the powers that be like you wouldnt believe.

so like tori said im hot as fuck and i know it. i can change forms if i want but this ones the best. ill leave the proportions up to your imagination but lets just say id fit in will an a playboy magazene. 

and for the record i am taking over toris body to type this i dont have a physical body of my own. she can see me because...... fuck i dont really get it and neither does she she just can. me. dead people. and about fifty other demons that like to hang around as well as all of you living ones. luckily or unluckily the only dead people she sees are those who were close to her. since vic moved on its just sky now. hes an instresting one trust me. oh yeah i can see them too guess it comes with the whole not having a body thing. oh yeah and ryan pops in from the afterlife but he usually goes over to where lucia and the little nightmare i mean devin are and checks up on them.

ummm what else to say before tori shoves me out of her concious mind... oh yeah since that last sparring match and that argument in the kitchen you would not believe the ammount of sexual tension

Okay that's quite enough of her. I'm back and even though it's pretty clear what's M's and what's mine, I'm changing her font colour. She wanted obnoxious pink so there we have it. And apparently if I change anything she typed she'll just take over again and make it worse... I swear she's the worst out of all of you...

The Wheel Breaks The Butterfly

"Okay so what the hell is up with people on the blogs?" I blinked and looked up to see Skye descending angrily down the stairs. "I mean at first it was fine but now it's just annoying."

"It's entertainment I guess. Or maybe they're hoping on a Slender Man version of Romeo and Juliet. I really couldn't care less," I sighed as I carried the vase of black roses over to the sink and refilled the water. I don't give two shits if they're from Smiley, they're pretty and they smell nice.

"It doesn't bother you?" Skye asked.

I chuckled and shook my head as I put the vase back where it was. "You act like this is the first time I've had people try to play match-maker with me." I smirked over at Skye as I hopped up to sit on the kitchen counter; he had a confused look on his face. "I did happen to go through middle school and freshman year before all this happened."

"W-well they could at least tone it down," he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. The turkey comment from Chris - while clever and seasonally inappropriate enough to be funny - was a bit over the line. But I can't really blame them..." I shrugged.

"I guess you have a point..." Skye trailed off as he leaned on the counter across from me.

"I generally do, if only people listen." I chuckled again before sighing. "Besides," I paused, wondering how I should phrase my next sentence. "It's not like anyone could really find me attractive anyway," I shrugged.

"W-what do you m-mean Tori?!" Skye asked, a bit louder and more flustered than before. His face was starting to flush up.

I have a dry chuckle. "Have you seen my skin?" I gave him a hard stare while I uncrossed and recrossed my legs. Since that sparring match I had taken to wearing shorts and tank-tops around the house like usual. "Like I said before, you'd be hard pressed to find a square inch of me that isn't scarred. How the hell can anyone be attracted to that? God knows I'm not and I'm the one who has to look at myself in the mirror every damn day! So how could..." I trailed off and averted my gaze to the floor. I noticed that I had been yelling and I felt like I was going to cry again. I pushed back the tears - now was not the time to cry.

"B-but you're wrong!" Skye exclaimed. I looked up at him to see that he was blushing worse than before. But, he had a determined look in his eyes that I hadn't really seen much of. When he noticed I was looking at him his face turned the colour of the tomato that was sitting on the counter next to him. "I a-actually th-think you're r-really p-pretty," he mumbled, staring at the floor.

I stared at him for a few seconds before heaving myself off of the counter and landing lightly on the kitchen floor. "Thanks, but I don't need your pity."

"I-it's n-not pity!" I looked up at  him, surprised to see that he was looking straight at me. "I-I don't care if y-you have a-a thousand s-scars or none! I th-think that you're a g-good pers-"

"I am not a good person! I killed a runner that was your age or younger the other night! I offered to kill runners without blogs to -"

"So you wouldn't have to kill me! Now will you be realistic about-?!"

"I am bein fuckin realistic Skye so just shut the fuck up and save your pity cause I don' wanna fuckin hear it alrigh'?! The only fuckin reason someone'd look at me twice is cause I look like I got dragged outta a wreck, not cause I'm pretty! So just stop talkin and realize that!"

Silence hung heavy in the air. I had been moving closer to him as I yelled and now I was right in his face. It was then that I noticed that I had one of my throwing knives in my hand. I took a step back and dropped it. The clatter it made sounded too loud to me. "I-I'm sorry," I whispered as I stared at the ground.

"I-is that r-really how you f-feel about yours-self?" I heard Skye ask.

"Yeah, it is. I hate myself, and I have good reason to-"

"No you don't," he quietly asserted. I looked up to see that his face was still flushed, but he looked confident. "You're only doing what you are out of necessity right? A-and I d-don't care what you th-think. I think you're p-pretty." He gave me a tentative smile. I half-smiled back.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," I apologized, looking up at him.

"You get a weird accent when you're angry," he blurted out randomly, and then blushed when he realized he had said that out loud.

I stepped back and put a hand to my mouth in an attempt to force back my laughter. "That's the Bal'more accent," I smirked. "Usually when people hear that coming out of my mouth they fear for their lives."

Skye chuckled and shook his head.  "Well I don't really care. I um... I s-still th-think you're p-pretty s-so..." His face flushed up again and he looked down at the ground.

"I still think you're pitying me you know," I shrugged and bent down to pick up the throwing knife. "But I think that's just because I hate myself, not because I don't believe that you truly think that." I returned the knife to my pocket.

"W-well I d-do th-think that!" he asserted, his face red again. He was still staring at the ground.

"Hey," I said softly, "Look at me." Slowly, he complied. "Thank you," I smiled.

"A-any t-t-time," he mumbled.

"I'd give you a hug, but I'd rather not you pass out on my kitchen floor," I gave a small laugh.

"Y-yeah. Th-that would be b-bad..." He laughed nervously. I smiled at him again before I waked over to the stairs.

"I think I'm gonna go read for the rest of the night. Sorry in advance if I wake you up in the middle of the night again. But you can leave me be if you want, it's probably a hassle-"

"Tori." Skye cut me off. "I-I want to h-help you so i-it's fine."

"If you say so," I shrugged as I walked up the stairs. Once I got up there I remembered something. "Oh and Skye?" I called down the stairs.

"Yeah?"

"If we have turkey any time soon I will not be amused."

Just For The Record, The Weather Today Is Slightly Sarcastic With A Good Chance Of...

After our skirmish with that super freaking annoying Rose Bride, Skye and I decided that we needed to spar some more and work on sensing an opponent's movements when you couldn't see them. So, of course my genius suggestion was...

"Blindfolds, really?" Skye asked dubiously over breakfast. He'd made waffles, I'd drowned mine in maple syrup and confectionery sugar. Alaska was looking pleadingly from myself to Skye and back for a bite. I patted her on the head and gave her the hand-signal for "lay down." She complied with a huge sigh.

"Look do you wanna get your ass kicked by a damn Rose Bride again?" I asked him, eyebrows raised.

"No I don't wanna get my ass kicked by you, I'm still sore from my last ass kicking..." he muttered.

"Well then you can kick my ass, or at least try to." I smirked at him as I took another bite of my waffle.

M, who was sitting on top of the China cabinet, made a comment about how he probably wanted to do more than kick my ass. I sighed and craned my neck back to look at her. "Shut up M, not everyone's as sex-driven as you."

"Um..." Skye looked at me blankly as I moved back into a normal sitting posture.

"You don't wanna know," I half-smiled.

In about an hour the both of us were standing in the back yard I held a black bandanna in my hands and was in the process of folding it in a way that it would cover my eyes and actually obscure my vision. For added vision-impairment I had forgone contacts. So everything more than ten feet away was kinda hazy.

"Okay I haven't actually done this before so just walk around me as quietly as you can and I'll reach out when I think you're within arms length?" I shrugged as I put on the blind fold and made sure it covered my whole field of vision. It did. It was unnerving.

"Of course you don't have a plan for this..." Skye muttered.

"You shut up!" I growled as I kicked out to the right. I connected with his leg.

I concentrated on sounds and after a while I could hear the grass rustle minutely when Skye moved. I stayed still, moving my head around like I still had no freaking clue what I was doing. He was behind me now. Five feet? Four?

I whipped around and pushed out with both of my arms at my shoulder level. They connected and I felt Skye start to pitch back before he grabbed my shoulders to steady himself.

"I thought I was being sneaky," he joked. I could feel the vibrations when he talked on my hands. I had connected with his upper torso. Not bad, considering I wasn't aiming and he was moving slowly.

"You were, I just have better hearing," I smirked before stepping back. I felt his hands slip from my shoulders and heard him move out of my range of hearing. I crossed my arms and waited until I could hear him moving or breathing. Minutes passed and I still heard nothing.

Just then the wind picked up, tossing my hair around. Then I felt a light punch connect with my right side. Surprised, I stumbled away and flailed my arms around to regain my balance. "Yes!" Skye exclaimed.

I growled and dove from the direction his voice was. I felt his hands press against my shoulders but that didn't stop me from sweeping out my right leg to kick the back of his knees. And just like that we were sparring. I would listen to his breathing and not how it changed when I hit him or when he would hit me. Skye was holding back of course, after all we weren't training strength. We traded light blows for a while.

Then suddenly my legs were knocked out from under me and Skye was pinning me down on the (slightly muddy) ground. I tried to get my hands free but he had managed to grip both of my wrists in one hand and used his other arm to press down on my shoulders. After I squirmed for a bit, trying to break his hold, I slumped in defeat. The arm holding my shoulder down lifted and then I was fucking blinded. Skye had pulled my blindfold down.

"You did better than I thought you would. You sure your balanced is really that screwed?" I squinted up at him, trying to block out as much of the light filtering down form the cloudy sky as I could.

"My balance is fucked five ways to Friday," I raised my eyebrows as my vision slowly adjusted. "You didn't have to go that easy on me you know," I rolled my eyes.

"I'm sorry, whose pinning whom?" he smirked down at me.

"Ten points for not ending a sentence with a preposition," I smirked back up at him.

"You know, you really don't have to cover up your scars around me." With that he heaved himself off of me and walked back to the house, leaving me lying on the ground, confused. Where the hell was the stuttering, blushing kid that I picked up from Annapolis two weeks ago? Because that was not that kid. (I'm not saying that the confidence isn't an improvement though.)

"He just said that without stuttering," I stated aloud, still on my back.

"Tori, you're blushing," M teased from my right.

"Shut up," I glared at her before picking myself off of the ground.

"Tori's got a-"

"You finish that sentence and I will send you straight back to hell," I growled.

"You let me make a post on your blog and I won't," M smiled mischievously.

"Yeah, whatever." I waved her off and trudged back towards the house intent on a hot shower and downing some ibuprofen partially because the ground is rocky as hell (quartz, it's fucking everywhere out here. There's a giant chunk in the backyard from where the pool got dug out.) and my lower back perpetually aches and it was starting to get on my nerves.

Mission The First (Survive)

Somewhere between happy and total fucking wreck

My eyes scanned my room, doing one last check to make sure that I had everything on me. 

Knives? Four hidden in my jacket in the pockets that I had sewn in earlier just for them, the other four hidden similarly in my sleeves - two per sleeve. 

Guns? Revolver on my right, 9mm on my left - thigh holsters  covered by the jacket. 

Extra ammo? Pockets, that's what they were made for. Two extra clips of ten for the 9mm even though the clip holds 15 - wearing out the spring is a bad idea - and a pocket full of 40-caliber bullets for the revolver. 

The mask hung around my neck, ready to be put on. 

Black jacket, shirt, pants, gloves. 

I had everything.

There was no way in hell I could do this. I knew that I could use the path, I had tried earlier that day when Father had given me my first order. It was unnervingly silent and dark, but easy to navigate when you trusted your instincts. I knew that I had it in me to kill, but that had only been in dire situations or when I was fuled with grief and rage. To do it as a job... 

"It's your friends or them you know, you made the right choice."

Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge.

I sighed and rolled my eyes at the female demon. "I know M, but you know I don't live off of violence." 

M laughed and I shot a glare at the blonde bombshell who guys would swarm around if they could see her. Her emerald eyes glared back at me jokingly. "It's now or never. And you know it wouldn't have killed you to dress sexier..." She rolled her eyes.

I ignored her jab and took a few deep breaths. I patted myself down again to make sure that I had everything and scanned my room once more. I wasn't ready, but I had to be. I closed my eyes, took a step forward and everything became silent. I opened my eyes to see that I was on the Path. I shuddered initially, hating the silence that seemed to press upon me from all sides but as I walked onward the silence became almost comforting. It was dark, and everything was almost grey-scale. I could see some vague shapes in the distance moving, but I didn't care to find out if they were proxies or something else.

I stepped out into an alleyway in Baltimore, somewhere far away from where tourists feel safe. It had signs of being inhabited by someone - there was a pile of sheets near a dumpster and some food wrappers lying around. I sighed and pulled on my mask. I felt bad for this kid, but I had to shut my emotions off for this.

Life for you has been less than kind.

The runner was walking cautiously through the alleyway and I could see the moonlight reflect off of the small knife that he was carrying. When he spotted me, he froze, holding the knife out in front of him like it would save him. I cocked my head to the right, just to see what he would do. 

The runner had guts, and he slowly started advancing towards me. As he got closer I could see that his grip on the knife was wrong and weak, he was shaking, and he wasn't standing in a way that would give him any sort of balance. I allowed him to come within five feet of me before I held up a hand, signaling him to stop.

So take a number, stand in line.

"I come to you with a choice, runner," I stated, breaking the tense silence. The runner stopped dead in his tracks, but at my hand or my words I don't know.

"W-what do you mean? You work for that... that thing right? Why aren't you rushing me like the rest?" The runner's voice shook with fear. The knife wavered in his unskilled hands and his large, terrified eyes tried to find mine under my mask.

"Join me as a Brother, under our Father and live - or die here." My voice was so dead I hardly recognized it as mine. I blocked out M's snarky comment about me sounding like an over-zealous Christian.

"No way! I'm not going to join that thing in a business suit! You're crazy!"

"I'm crazy for giving you a choice sure, but you're the one who wishes death upon himself. And so death shall swiftly come to those who beg it to."

"You're nuts!" the runner screamed as he rushed at me. I blocked his knife with one of my throwing knives. He starred at it, wondering where it had come from.

"I'm sorry," I sighed as stripped the knife from his grip and pointed it at him. I was now holding a knife in each hand. His hand was bleeding from where my knife nicked him while stripping him of his weapon.

We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt.

The runner starred at me, shocked. 

"To live or to die is your choice. I can not tell you which is ideal. But allow me to advise you to chose some more eloquent last words if you insist upon calling upon death."

The runner said nothing, instead choosing to run at me again, weaponless. I kicked him away, into the alleyway wall. I head his breath rush out of him as he slid down. I stood over him, both knives at his throat.

But how we survive...

"N-no please!" He begged.

"The choice is yours runner." I dropped the knives and instead leveled my revolver at his head. 

Suddenly he leapt up, grabbed his knife, and tried to pin me down. He was weak. I threw him off of me and pinned him to the dirty ground. 

"Last chance."

He squirmed, trying to throw me off. But, he was unskilled and untrained, he couldn't have thrown me off of him if I was sitting casually on him. He brought his knife up and slashed by arm. I didn't feel it. 

I picked his head up off of the ground and slammed it down, knocking him out. I stood up off of him and shot him twice, once in the heart and once in the head. 

Is what makes us who we are.

I sighed, looking down at the kid before picking up my throwing knife and holstering the revolver. I kicked his knife over near his body and drew an operator symbol in his blood on the wall. I had faith that the corrupt government with its secrets would cover it up as gang violence or a mugging gone wrong. 

I stepped back on the Path and went home. After a quick shower I stuffed the bloody clothes in a plastic bag (The coat was hydrophobic so it didn't have any blood on it. It took a while to find on the internet.) to be burned later. 

I stumbled into bed around 3am and fell into a dreamless sleep.

That's what makes us who we are

No Such Thing As Peace Indeed.

His song had been getting louder and louder, no matter how I tried to drown it out. It had started when I comforted Skye after his first meditation session. It had changed from what it usually was, an ominous sound, to this new song. And I couldn't block it out.

Screeching, screaming, pain, so much pain, pleading, headache, pain, extreme pain

I AM NOT FINISHED WITH YOU 

screaming, pleading voices, pained breathing, fire, burning, hell

YOU SHOULD HAVE FINISHED THE RUNNER

headache. Go downstairs. Pain pills. burning screaming pleading hellfire no eyes help me sees me SHUT UP WE HAD A DEAL

noble child, why did you not kill the runner? that is what my children are made to do

"We had a deal!" I yelled as I whipped around to face Him. He stood there, no tentacles this time, but He still did not have hands. It was as if His sleeves covered His hands. His body language was that of a father scolding a child.

you are a caregiver to your siblings not to runners. why did you ignore my song noble child?

"I have a name asswipe, stop calling me noble," I rolled my eyes. The headache intensified and I closed my eyes, gasping. In my head I heard M, one of my friendlier demons, cursing Him out. I told her it was fine. I looked back up to Him to see that His multitude of tentacles were out and flailing angrily.

child kill the runner this is an order

"No!" I gasped out as the tendrils grew closer and closer to me. One brushed my arm and I resisted the urge to vomit. The slippery feel of slimy polished wood was just as sickening as I remembered. 

NOBLE CHILD KILL THE SLEEPING RUNNER NOW

"No. I refuse to kill any run-" one of His tentacles wrapped around my throat. The song intensified, rivaled only by M's enraged yelling.

I WILL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN NOBLE CHILD, GO KILL THE SLEEPING RUNNER THIS IS AN ORDER

"N-no one with a blog," I gasped out. The tendril receded and then they disappeared, leaving Him looking like He did when I first saw Him, both today and so long ago. Head tilted to the side in a show of slight confusion. I had done something unexpected. I had to take advantage of it. 

"They'll be easier targets, they have no way to get organized, no one to talk to. They'll just end up a bunch of runaways that never came home. They'll be easier to convince to become a part of your family, Father." I looked up at Him, smiling with bloodlust.

One of his arms reached out , the darkness under the suit sleeve forming into a tendril of darkness. I watched, mesmerized as it formed and reached out. It stroked my cheek and this time I did not shudder, I did not flinch, I did not hesitate to listen to the now melodious song of consideration.

noble child, we shall change our agreement

I sighed in relief and looked up at that blank, white face gratefully.

you shall kill runners that i tell you to if they can not be reasoned with to become your sibling 

you shall show no mercy nor compassion for you are my child

these are your orders noble child

"Yes Father," I breathed. I closed my eyes, opened them, and he was gone.

Oh god what have I done? What did I just agree to? I'm not a killer! I'm not a murderer! I can't kill innocent runners! They haven't done anything. Oh my god what can I do? What can I do? Oh my god I ha-

"Tori?"

No no no no I wont do this nononononononononoNONONONONONONONO!

"Tori are you okay?"

My eyes snapped up to a figure standing in front of me. Tall, taller than me. Get away get away getawaygeta-

"What happened?" 

I stopped my frantic backward crawling and looked up again. They spoke, the tall shadow spoke. HE doesn't talk out loud HE talks in my head HE uses HIS song to tell me what to do. not HIM not HIM not HIm not Him not him not father.

"...." I opened my mouth in an attempt to speak, but a choked sob forced its way out instead. Skye kneeled down in front of me so I could finally see his face. His sleepy bright blue eyes, so innocent and so concerned looking at me, his disheveled dark red hair, so vibrant, his face so childish yet almost adult. I shut my mouth and shook my head, unable to make words.

"Hey, hey what happened?" Skye whispered. 

I gave him a confused glance before bringing a hand slowly up to my face. I was crying. "I..." I choked out.

My eyes darted frantically around the room at this realization as everything hit. They bounced from the cutlery drawer to the knives on the counter to the drawer where some straight razors were and i wanted to reach for a blade and grasp it in my hand and

I flung myself into Skye and cried, great sobs that shook my whole body. I cried for what had just happened - I cried for fear. I cried for those I would have to kill - I cried for guilt. I cried for myself - I cried for pity. I cried for the end and the beginning and the stars and the moon and for Vic and for Sky and for Andrew and for Naomi and for Ryan and for those who I had killed before.

Skye eventually started shushing me and rubbing my back as I cried into his chest. And eventually I cried myself to sleep in his arms. I woke up in my own bed, tucked in and cuddling with one of the stuffed pandas that Vic gave to me that I kept for sentimental value (and they're adorable. It's a fat panda with nubby arms and legs oh my christ it's so cute... ahem...) slightly confused until I remembered what happened. 

But I did not cry. 

Instead I stumbled out of bed, and did a weapons check. Throwing knives needed to be sharpened, my 40 caliber revolver needed to be cleaned before I used it and some more bullets for it couldn't hurt. My 9mm was in fine condition and there was enough ammo to last me a while. The M1 Garand was my baby and I would not let proxies hurt her. She stayed home and was for defending the house only. I grabbed my mask from my closet and hug it up near my weapons. 

I'm not proud of what I've become, and I'm not proud of what I will do. But I feel somewhat justified. I'm alive and so is Skye and no runners with blogs have to fear me. 

But I am not proud. And I am not happy.

But I will do what I have since the beginning:

Survive and protect those I care about to the best of my ability.

X Tori

...

I'll be addressing Skye's post sometime soon...

Let Me Save You, Hold This Rope

So after I posted that last post, I got a surprise.

I was sitting on my laptop, messing around on the internet as usual when I saw Skye come into my room. I took off my headphones and set my laptop next to me on the bed.

"Um..." I was confused, usually he didn't approach me. "Sit down I guess?" I gestured to the foot of the bed. He sat down and I swung myself into a position that more resembled sitting that the awkward way I lay with my laptop. "I guess this is about the post...?" I trailed off. For once I felt that I was the perpetually nervous one.

"Yeah," he nodded. "Thanks for telling me. And I'm sorry that I doubted that you knew what It was like..." he trailed off, unsure of his words.

"You... you're welcome...?" The phrase came out more as a question that I had intended. Where was all the blushing, the stuttering? This was the confident-cooking-Skye not the talking-to-a-female-Skye. "And it's not like I really said anything before that would tip you off. It's not something that I share with most people..." I trailed off. But I figured I had to let it out before that damn Black Dog came back around. He scared Alaska.

Skye cracked a small smile. "Yeah, I know how hard that can be. Especially when you have to go through it alone." I nodded and laughed lightly as Skye moved slightly, finding a more comfortable way to sit on my rather uncomfortable bed.

"You don't have to tell me twice," I laughed.

"I want you to know that your not alone anymore though. That I'm here, that I'll help you in anyway I can," Skye said, an almost earnest look crossing his face. 

I looked at him, keeping my emotions hidden. It's been such a long time since anyone had said that to me, hell I almost felt like crying. I didn't of course. Instead I half-tackled the poor kid with one of my Death Trap Hugs of Gratitude. "Just thank you," I smiled into his shoulder. He patted me a bit awkwardly on the back.

"You should be this confident more often, it suits you," I smirked as I pulled back.

His face flushed up again. "N-no I don't t-think I could d-d-do that! I m-mean..." 

I laughed. "All in good time Skye, all in good time."

"I-I'm gonna g-go start d-dinner now!" I smiled as he skittered out of the room.

"And he's back."

Something To Get Off My Chest

First off: Skye, trust me when I say that I'd say this to you in person, but I'm much better with writing words than saying them.

There isn't really an easy way to say this so I'll just type it out and go on from there.

I hear and see the dead, mostly those who were close to me... and the same for demons and spirits.

So yes, I know exactly what it's like to not be able to hear yourself think in complete silence because of the multitude of voices echoing in your head. Some are nice, they support me and I'm actually friends with a few of them. But many of them try to break my mind, they want to see me go crazy. My subconscious self has been through more torture than my physical body has. This last year on my own was not pleasant.

Everything that happens in my mind though, it makes me mentally stronger. In a way, it's what makes me able to block out His song so much because I already have to block out a multitude of others and keep at least two walls up to keep stragglers form getting in.

I like to think that a weaker person that I, one who hasn't been through as much Slender Shit as I have, would break at the sheer multitude of the voices, taunts, threats, comments, everything I hear and see on a daily basis. I would like to think that I am strong, but I know I'm not.

If I was strong I could make it so they couldn't access my head.... Sadly, I think that I would be rather lonely if some of them left. There are a few who I consider to be friends of sorts...

Maybe I am crazy, but I don't care. I'd much rather live in my insanity that I believe to be the harshest version of reality than face the silence of the other side of the coin....

Illegal My Ass

I mean seriously now, the fireworks that are legally allowed in my state are (say it with me now) Lame. As. Fuck. Its like "oh look at the little smoke snake awww how cute"

I'm having none of that.

So I drove the half-hour or so drive over into Pennsylvania, bought some fireworks (before you ask, yes I have a fake ID. Don't ask how or why, just accept it), and drove back home with the spoils of victory.

Of course, we can't set them off 'til later, so Skye and I have mostly been sitting around with our books (him with his giant black one and mine with The Fault in Our Stars because why not cry over some fictional characters right?).

Scree scree mother fuckers, it's 'Murica's birthday.

~Tori 

Weeell That Happened

So the rain let up sometime overnight and some sun managed to peek trough the cloud cover and wake me up earlier than I had wanted. I was up at like freaking 7am. Hell even Skye was still asleep. So I took a shower and made myself some pancakes. (Hey, I can make breakfast too. But much else is beyond me.)

Around 8 (hey I eat slow when I'm tired. Also I was reading.) Skye stumbled down the stairs, looking incredibly tired. 

"Stay up late reading?" I asked, suppressing a yawn.

"Y-yeah," he mumbled, making a beeline for the stove.

"You wanna spar again today?" I asked. He looked over and blushed. I was confused before I realized that I hadn't bothered to change out of what I slept in, some Iron Man boxers and a sports bra. I chuckled again when he pointedly looked away.

"S-sure..." He mumbled as he waited for the pan to heat up.

I shrugged before I got up and put my plate in the sink, running some hot water over it to get rid of some of the syrup that I had drowned my pancakes in. 

Around 9:30 we were both out back. I was stretching again, and Skye was looking away. "Alright," I called out and he turned back around. "Basically we spar until someone gives up or you get the other person in a position that would render them dead. This includes any form of hold that the other person cannot get out of, and light blows to the throat. Got it? Oh, and make sure to hit me this time," I rolled my eyes.

"O-okay..." Skye trailed of

Without warning, I rushed forward and aimed a punch at Skye's stomach. He blocked it and aimed at my shoulder. I ducked down and swung my leg out, trying to sweep his legs out from under him. My foot connected with the back of his knee, causing him to buckle. I struck out and hit his shoulder, then his chest, causing him to drop down to one knee. 

I saw his eyes narrow as I went to kick him in his side and figured that he was just kinda pissed. Boy was I wrong. He grabbed my leg and threw me to his right while he stood back up. I jumped up and managed to get into a steady position before Skye came at me. He threw punches so fast it was difficult to dodge or block some, and I got hit more than my pride wants to admit. He punched me square in the stomach and then again in the shoulder, throwing off my balance from my lowered center of gravity and causing me to fall onto my back. I prepared myself to vault up but he was pinning me down.

"Okay Skye, you win," I gave him a half smile. He didn't respond and instead dug his knee into my stomach. I gave a pained gasp and tried to get him off of me but he had my arms pinned down at the elbows, nearly driving them into the ground. He didn't say anything, but continued to dig his knee into my stomach. 

"S-Skye seriously!" I gasped out. You know, breathing's hard when someone's crushing your diaphragm. 

He took his knee off of my stomach, muttering something about "lucky he likes you" before he looked down at me again. But whereas earlier his eyes were angry they were confused and tired when he looked at me. 

And then he collapsed on me. I gently shifted him so wasn't completely smothering me, careful not to wake him up. By now I had deduced what had happened. I knew he had schizophrenia, and luckily I knew a bit more than the average person about having voices inside your head. It actually seemed that the voices that he heard could influence and take him over, such as with Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities). Honestly I think the two are one all-encompassing thing seeing as they send to overlap. Anyway, enough of my psycho-babble.  

So I figured that I'd let him wake up on his own time, mostly because I didn't want to have whichever voice that was come out again because I don't really think it would go over well a second time and partially because I'm a very lazy person (also the kid's warm and my normal body temperature is low for a human). 

After I had hummed my way though almost the entire Vices & Virtues album I heard Skye mumble something. He shook his head and mumbled, "W-what....?"

"You comfy there?" I held back a laugh. Skye's face flushed enough to resemble a tomato and he tried to stutter out an apology.

"It's fine, I didn't wanna risk waking you up and having you go berserk again," I shrugged as much as I could with him on top of me.

"I did it again, didn't I?" he murmured sadly.

"Hey it's fine, I'm not hurt," I said, rubbing his back hesitantly. 

"What did I do?" he asked.

I filled him in as quickly as I could without leaving anything out. "But it's fine, alright?"

"No! It's not okay!" The lack of stuttering surprised me. "This isn't.." His voice became almost too silent to hear. "This isn't the first time it happened and it will happen again and next time....next time will be worse."

"Hey, hey calm down Skye..." I trailed off, not really sure how to handle this. Again, people skills = horrible. "And I said I'd help you with the voices right?" I said, rubbing circles onto his back. "We can work on it, alright? I want to help you." And I meant that, there was something that made me want to help this shy kid. Maybe I saw some of the person that I was when I started running - scared and alone and confused after being tossed into this world that no one really understood.

Skye sighed and relaxed and I continued rubbing his back. Then suddenly he shot up, red as a tomato and stuttering out apologies and thing that I think were also apologies but didn't make any grammatical or syntactical sense as he scrambled up to stand. I laughed and stood up as well, following him into the house. 

And now it's fucking late and I wanna get to sleep before my neighbors start setting off fireworks again... Damn rednecks it's only the third.

~Tori

Lazy Day at La Casa de Tori

Yeah the weather was total shit today so Skye and I stayed inside. I mean yeah, sometimes you have to fight in the rain but if I have a choice I'd prefer to stay dry. So would the dog, but her bathroom's outside.
Yeah I still don't have concrete name for her yet. I was thinking Alaska or Hazel (yeah I like John Green books. What of it?)

So I got up at noon, like I usually do and saw that the door to Skye's cave - I mean room - was open and the light was on. Even though I've only known him for a couple of days, I was confident in my prediction that he was pouring over that giant book taking notes, as always. After a relatively quick shower I went downstairs to see that Skye was cooking bacon and had some eggs out as well.

"And here we see the reclusive animal known as Skye outside of its cave, preparing food for its host," I smirked in my best nature documentary voice. (which is pretty shitty by the way)

He jumped and blushed when he saw me. "T-that's not f-funny..." he mumbled before he returned to the bacon.

"It's hilarious and you know it." I stretched upwards until my back made an audible crack. I looked to see Skye staring at the floor and blushing. I chuckled, but didn't comment. "It's supposed to be miserable outside all day, so I was just gonna have myself a movie marathon. Care to join?"

"U-um..." he mumbled as he turned the bacon over. "W-what movies? And h-how do you want your e-eggs?"

"Harry Potter, all of them. Director's cut, special edition. And if we start soon we might be able to squeeze in a bit of Lord of the Rings. Oh, and scrambled and fluffy."

Skye turned around and looked at me, blushing. "I l-love Harry Potter."

"I'm a total Potterhead. I have all the books, Tales of Beetle the Bard, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Quidditch Through The Ages, the Sorcerer's Companion, Harry's Wand, Slytherin and Gryffindor shirts, and about a thousand tear-stains on the 7th book," I casually listed off, like I was talking about the shitty weather outside.

I smirked at him as he stared at me in amazement and maybe some surprise in there. Hey, at least he wasn't blushing. He didn't look away until we could smell the bacon starting to burn. He stuttered an apology before taking the bacon off of the pan.

When he was fixing his eggs I put some bread in the toaster and put a couple of glasses of orange juice on the table. Again, we ate in relative silence but it wasn't exactly awkward. I guess knowing that the two of shared something other than Slendy made things a bit easier. Also when you find out that someone's just as obsessed (or more so) with fictional characters as you are, you tend to like that person a bit more.

After we finished eating, I claimed the couch for myself and the dog - who doesn't like to be cuddled too much but tolerates it for a bit - and Skye lounged on the love-seat. I had my glasses on because it's not like I was going out.

I shall summarize the following 1068 minutes in the following sentence. Ain't no party like a HP nerd party cause at a HP nerd party containing Tori and Skye you're allowed to quote lines, as long as you do it the same way the characters do it at the same time. Also you can cry when everyone dies in Deathly Hallows and no one will judge.

Yeah, today was a good day. If this weather keeps up we might watch the Lord of the Rinds trilogy. Guess who has the extended editions? This nerdette right here.

~Tori