Broken Crown

Please note that autocorrect is a bitch. 

Thing have been... Eventful since my last post. Also that recolection post? i just needed to get that out of my head. So much has happened and i can't really cover it all in one post. 

First things first. The reason I haven't been online at all is because my last mission went slightly awry. I got into a fist fight and got a concussion. I passed out, they got away, and father gave me hell for it. 

Light hurts, noise hurts, being awake hurts, moving makes me dizzy and food makes me nauseous.  I have trouble remembering words and my ears are always ringing. I've been sleeping so much, because that's the only thing that helps. 

There's this girl, Opal. She was being stalked by the Dog. She's a bit of a ditz and she's energetic as anything. I'll make a more detailed post on this later, but she came into my work, she has a blog which I'll link to when I can use a computer again, and she's been helping me with Alice and Alaska while I'm out of commission. She's good with them. Neither of us can really cook, but we get by. 

I also visited Lucia a while back. I know a few of you will wanna hear about that, if just for nostalgia. 

I still miss Skye terribly. I hate that he hasn't emailed me. I hate that he hasn't updated his blog. I hate clinging to the hope that he's alive when it's so possible that he's dead and I'll never know. 

But, for now, I'll keep doing what I have been. Taking everything one day, one step, one breath at a time; hoping that the next will be better. 

Recollection: Only Place I Call Home

"We were finally changing
It's our luck, we're a little too late"

We laid in content silence, me curled against him and him with his arm around me. So much had happened since I started running, since I found him again. So much joy, and so much loss. He'd gotten taller, a bit more refined but he would always be rough around the edges. I was sandpaper that could smooth, yes, but too much would wear me down. We had always been a balancing act, but we lived in tandem, a prefect dance in unison. And now, in union.

He knew why I had made this decision. They would be leaving soon and I would be going to Antithesis. There was a chance that we'd never meet again, there was a chance that he wouldn't survive. There was a chance that I wouldn't either. The smoke from his cigarette wafted around the room. He claimed that he only did this afterwards, but I knew that he smoked once every few weeks because of stress. I snatched it from him and instead of putting it out like usual, I took a long drag and blew the smoke in his face. He just chuckled and pulled me back down, asking if I was trying to start something. I responded by informing him that I don't start things that I can't finish.

Our peace was disturbed by a knock, a tap, on the door to the bedroom. Naomi yelled at him that they were leaving within the hour and he still had to get his things together. He sighed and pulled me to him, holding me tightly, before getting up. Mechanically I followed suit, pulling on, buttoning, straightening. My eyes were fixed on the ground. I felt so much in that moment, content, love, warmth, shame, confusion, loss...

"Hey."

"Don't go." The words flew from my mouth before I could stop them.

"You know I have to girl, someone needs to keep Naomi and Andrew from killing each other in their sibling fights."

"But... you can stay with us. I'm sure..."

I was silenced as his thumb gently brushed my cheek, taking with it a tear. He was gentle, something he only was with me. I knew him, who he really was not who he pretended to be.

"You won't get rid of me that easily, girl." He chuckled before continuing, "Besides, I'm bad for you remember?"

"Yeah, bad for my stress levels. I'd be less worried if you'd come with me."

"You have your path and I have mine. I'm sure you'll see me again." He shrugged as he grabbed his bag.

He exited the room and I trailed after, leaving all the warmth and the glow behind.

"Really you two? Tori, you just got back on your feet - literally! And you two go and-!"

"Don't."

One word from him, one glance, silenced her. I felt her look at my face, really look at it, and make a small sound.

We drove to the airport. I went one way, they went the other. I didn't look back, I didn't dare stop. I held together my already shattered heart as the plane lifted from the air and tried to place it back together. the world's most complicated jigsaw puzzle in my hands, I landed in Pittsburgh. The unsolvable conundrum in my life I followed the tracks. With already sore legs I climbed. I lay on the couch, immobile, placing piece after minuscule piece back where it belonged. Securing an already fragile glass heart with duct-tape and gorilla glue, praying to a god that didn't exist that this would be the last time I did this.

All I Ask Of You

"She's asleep... Finally," I sighed and sat down on the bed next to Skye. Alice was a handful. Being a child of the cold aside, she was like any other kid - full if way too much energy. It had been about a week since Roy showed up and left Alice with us. I hadn't talked to him much, but he had looked horrible. I didn't mind taking Alice in at all. Except...

"I'm sorry Tori, you probably didn't want to spend your day off like this..." Skye mumbled. 

"I don't mind, really," I smiled slightly and bent down to take off my socks. "Besides, I like having people in the house. It reminds me that I'm not alone..."

I heard Skye move around and ten felt him timidly massaging my shoulders. He had gotten more comfortable with physical contact since we started dating, but he was adverse to accidentally going over any lines. "Yeah but you're tense... And I know you haven't been sleeping well."

I turned around to see that be was giving me a pointed - albeit worried - look. "I never sleep well," I shrugged and leaned forward, trying to see his eyes better. "What's this about?"

"Well... I... T-the thing I-is...." He mumbled, avoiding my eyes. 

My stomach sank. "Do you not want Alice in the house?" I asked him quietly, eyes and voice never wavering. He shook is head no. "What is it then?"

"I-I can't keep p-putting this much stress on you. You were so busy before with your job and missions and now you have to take care if her too and you're gonna burn yourself out because you're too stubborn to admit that you're past the point of what you can handle!" 

Silence. His eyes were churning with upset, sadness, and guilt. Mine were steel doors, crashing shut. 

"Obviously you would not have brought this topic up unless you had a suggestion," I stared at him, eyes and voice cold and emotionless. This was my wall. Shut down so you don't lash out.

"I think... that it would be best if I left for a while..."

I stared at him. I couldn't form a response. A part of me wanted to yell at him to leave, leave like everyone else did, leave before he died too. Another part of me wanted to cling onto him, beg him to stay, to not leave me.

I chose a third option.

"Whatever you think is best," I shrugged, voice monotone. I laid down under the covers and turned away from him. "I can't believe I let myself think that you gave a damn about me anyway..."

Suddenly the covers were ripped off of me and I was pinned on my back. I looked up coolly at Skye, who had tears starting to from. "Don't you dare think that I don't care about you!" He pressed me more firmly into the mattress and my eyes widened. "I'm only thinking about this because you run yourself ragged! You never ask for help and you never wanna lean on me or anyone because you're too used to being alone! You're not alone so just let me in because I love you and I'll never stop loving you!"

"..." I opened my mouth, but no sounds came out. His emotions had spilled over, and the drops were hitting my cheeks.

I'll be the first to admit that my being bad with words has led me to doing some stupid shit. But what I did next? No regrets at all.

I leaned up in his now-slackened grip and lightly pecked him on the lips. "Then don't leave me," I whispered. My voice sounded broken and tired and shocked, but that's because I was. I moved back to see that his lips held a shaky smile.

"I won't." Gently, he laid down beside me and drew me into him. I held on to him contentedly, humming a song.

"What are you humming?" he asked quietly as he rubbed circled into my back. I told him and he gave a small laugh, shaking his head. We fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. We know that things won't be prefect, but at least we have each other...

Love me, that's all I ask of you

Recollection: I've Become What I Fear The Most

Saturday, June 23, 2012; 6:30AM, EST

Antithesis

One month. One month of sitting in the dark and thinking. One month of barely speaking to the other in the apartment. One month of knowing what my decision would be and trying to convince myself otherwise. One month. One decision. So many possible outcomes. Everything leading up to this day. Everything that's happened since almost a year ago. Everything came down to one month, one decision, and fifty plus possible outcomes. 

My thoughts were reeling. Still so much indecision, so many un-thought of possibilites. So many "what if's" plagued my mind. One month of solid thinking, and I still wavered on my decision.

It's for the best of everyone

It could get you killed

It's to protect them.

It's part of his plan you know

I'd rather them be safe than not. And if I have to do this for them, I'll do it.

... Your funeral

A decision had been reached.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as he faded away. I knew he wouldn't be talking with me for a while.

The sound of a dish or mug breaking. Ceramic shattering against tile. A chill in the air. The decision had been made, no going back on it. 

I stood up and stepped out of my room. My walk and posture showed confidence that I didn't have.

Confidence is ignorance.

His last message to me as a runner.

Everyone stood by Lucia, sure that He was here for her, or Devin, or both.

"You can put the weapons down." My voice - scratchy from not being used - startled them.

"Tori, what are you..?" Lucia's confusion turned to understanding. "You don't need to do this."

"I do. You're not the only people I'll need to protect," I gave her a smile. "So, best to get started now."

"Tori, you're insane," Sammi sighed and shook her head at me, but her words were half-hearted. They all knew that whatever I'd been thinking about this past month was of the utmost importance. They all knew that they couldn't sway me from this decision. They dispersed, leaving me with Him and the remnants of a mug that had once held tea.

such a selfless child

His many, many tendrils filled the room. Even in here, His height was enormous. My neck craned so I could look him in the face. Thee was no fear anymore, no indecision. Only a steeled determination to protect those I love.

so willing

He stepped closer. Just one step. I can't tell you what His "voice" sounds like. Wolf describes it as a song, but to me it was just like reading from a passage, or just knowing the words.

such a noble child blinded by love

He was closer, three feet, tendrils surrounded me.

your terms are agreed to

closer. The touch of them was... curious. Smooth. Hot. Sparking with electricity. Hard like polished wood. They were all around me, consuming me. The briefest flare of pain from that long-since healed scar.

Nothing. Blackness. No sound. No sight. Nothing at all.

Sounds came back first. Conversation, low and muted but nearby. The sound of the mug being swept up. The hum of the central heating and air. The soft sound of either Diaram or Kako padding around.

Feelings came back next. Face on carpet, hand on the tiled floor of the kitchen. My shirt sitting uncomfortably on the scar (if it was still just a scar) on my lower back.

I sat up, slightly confused, until the memories filtered back into my mind. I shuddered at the remembered feeling of tendrlis-on-skin and pushed it to the back of my mind. I looked around. Lucia, Wolf, and Fell were talking. Diesel had just finished sweeping and went about mopping up the tea. Sammi was making cookies again. It was as if nothing was different, as if they had simply let me come to in my own time. For that I was grateful.

None of them gave me weird looks. None of them asked what had happened. Four of them knew already, and Lucia had no desire to. Wolf gave me a nod, Fell gave me a smile. Diesel patted me on the head and Sammi offered me some cookie dough (which I gladly accepted). Lucia smiled her thanks, hand resting contentedly on her stomach, and that was the end of it.

This Is What Happens When I Go Through Old Notebooks

Hey guys, long time no type I know. Don't ask how Skye and I are doing - you guys don't need to know. Honestly, I'm too tired to talk about it. I should stop typing up posts at 3AM but... old habits die hard.
Anyway, today I was straightening up my closet and, like any amateur writer, I have notebooks everywhere. So, of course, I had to go through them. Most of them were embarrassing things from middle school and will be burned later. But one turned up.

I know, battered looking right?

blah blah bad drawings....

blah blah bad drawings....

I swear to god I digitally coloured this?? Ah well, it's lost in cyberspace now.

Then, lo and behold, we get to the next section:

I don't do all of my drafting on this website seeing as it likes to eat my posts. And when it comes to important things? Yeah. I hand-write. So, what was in this section? One post...

The post of how I became a proxy, a medic, and the main thing that set all of these events in motion...

Honestly I've read through it. But I don't know if I should post it... I mean, most of you got the tl;dr version of this point and... well... 

I don't know guys... I think I should go the fuck to sleep... I'll schedule this for some random ass time tomorrow and hit the hay...

Reminiscence: Iridescent

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

Everything was black and red. 

Darkness and blood. 

Their bodies were strewn around me - those I had loved and those I had lost. 

Those who protected me. 

Cared for me. 

Guided me. 

Supported me. 

Died for me. 

They lay there, motionless, silent - heart-wrenchingly so.

And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying, "Save me now!"

"Please! Come back!" I sobbed, falling to my knees in the centre of all of them. 

"I need you! I'm Sorry! Please! Just come back!" 

My tears streamed down my cheeks, flowing down to meld with the blood on my hands. 

Their blood. 

I was the guilty one - I had led them to their deaths without warning; they had trusted me, loved me, and this is what they got.

This is what happened to everyone who got close to me it seemed.

 You were there, impossibly alone

"Please," I begged, "Please come back!"

I looked up to the nothingness of the sky.

"Bring them back!" I shouted, pleaded, cried.

"I need them, I don't know what to do now!" 

"Please!" 

"Bring them back!" 

"I don't want to be alone!" 

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

I gasped, shooting upright from my bed. That wasn't the first time that dream had come to me. It wasn't always the same - sometimes the demons that plagued my waking hours made it through my mental labyrinth into my dreams and would grossly re-animate those I've lost. Sometimes they would bring the back perfectly and make me watch as they slaughtered them over and over again.

Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. 

Shaking, I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. It was time for me to wake up anyway, it wasn't healthy for me to sleep in until the early evening every night when I fell asleep around midnight. I turned on the shower, making sure it was just hot enough to bring slight discomfort, and avoided looking at myself in the mirror as I undressed and stepped under the hot jets.

 Let it go

It wasn't that I didn't want to see the scars from (not so)long ago - I just couldn't bare to face myself. There was a part of me - a small part but a very loud one - that hated what I was doing to myself. That part hated my constant sleeping, never eating, and self-destructive habits. I allowed myself to cry for a minute before going about washing my face and hair - more violently than the average person.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

I stayed under the spray until the water ran cold. I shut off the shower and wrapped myself up in a towel. Then, I meandered into the kitchen, picked up the mostly full bottle of Captain Morgan, and drank the rest of my day away. I drank until I was pleasantly warm, and numb, and unable to hear or see anything except myself and my empty house. 

You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space

And then I drank until I had trouble putting on cotton shorts and a sports bra. I drank until I couldn't understand what they were saying on the TV. I drank until the room danced with lights. I drank until the lights were gone. I drank until the sun set. And I drank until I passed out.  

No one there to catch you in their arms

I woke up after blissfully blackness to the sun glaring on my face. My head pounded. My eyes refused to open. My stomach churned. I lurched. I fell.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

I scrabbled for the bottle. It was empty. I tried to stand. I fell. I crawled up the stairs. I pulled myself into the bathroom. I vomited. I vomited more. I vomited until I could only choke up stomach acid. I heaved. I fell. The tile cooled my feverish head. 

Remember all the sadness and frustration

I awakened sometime later, feeling improved but still a bit sick. I stumbled down the stairs and ate some bread. Then I retraced my steps and went into my room. I sighed as I sat down in the uncomfortable chair in front of my corner desk, where my laptop had sat ignored for nearly a year. I opened the lid and started it up. I had forgotten how loud the fan was, how loud the hard drive was. I went onto the familiar site and saw that I had deleted what I had before. I had a clean slate. Which was what I needed.

And let it go.

How long has it been? A year? Time sure files, doesn't it?

Let it go. 

I'll Spend My Christmas With You

Yes, I'm a shameless fan of Owl City

"Tori, wake up," I heard Skye say as he shook my shoulder gently.

"I don' wannaaaa," I mumbled and rolled over, cocooning myself in my blankets. I was warm and comfortable, I didn't feel like moving.

"I have your present," he said as he sat down on the other side of my bed. Well, that got my attention.

"What is it?" I poked my head out from under my covers and glared at Skye when he laughed at my bed-head. "Shut up..." I grumbled as a tried to fix my hair. I scooted myself up, blankets still wrapped around me, and reached down on the floor to pull up his bag of presents.

"I didn't say a thing," he laughed. I rolled my eyes at him and we exchanged gifts. Mine was a small box. I resisted the temptation to shake it because small generally means breakable. We sat there awkwardly, neither of us wanting to go first.

"You can go ahead, yours is bigger anyway," I smiled.

"A-alright..." he mumbled as he started taking out the wrapping paper. The first thing he pulled out was the main gift. He carefully unfolded the 4" blade from its sheath and stared at it.

"I figured that it might be good for you to get away from the runes for a bit," I shrugged. He was having a little trouble closing it so I shifted over and put my hands on top of his. "See you press this sideways and fold it in gently," I told him, using my hands to manipulate his. My chin was resting on his shoulder so I could see what I was doing.

"O-Okay, thanks T-tori," he blushed. I chuckled and backed up, motioning for him to finish opening his gifts. The second thing was a sketch book for runes. I had scribbled out "I swear to god if you put another rune on your skin I will kill you myself :)" on the first page. "Funny," he grumbled.

The last thing was an ugly Christmas sweater I got for like, five bucks at Good Will. Skye looked at me dubiously while I laughed at his expression. "I'm sorry, your face though!" I laughed.

"Just open your gift, Tori," he shook his head, obviously fighting back a smile. 

"Fine, fine," I rolled my eyes and situated myself so I was sitting cross-legged. By now I had gotten tired of being so tangled up so I had kicked the sheets off. I was in fuzzy pants and a huge t-shirt, my cold-weather sleep-wear. 

I picked up the small box and slit open the wrapping paper with my nails, feeling too lazy to grab one of the twenty knives I had lying around my room. Before proceeding with opening the small, black box that now sat in my lap, I balled up the wrapping paper and tossed it at Skye. It hit dead center on his fore-head. We laughed a little before I returned to my gift. 

"Holy shit Skye, where did you find this?" I looked up at him, not sure what I was feeling. He had gotten me a necklace. The chain was durable and silver and hanging on it was a pendant shaped like a small dagger with a deep purple rose in the middle of the "blade." 

He shrugged, but before he could answer I tackled him in a hug, knocking him backwards onto my bed. He laughed and I felt his arms wrap around me. "I'm guessing you like it?" I heard him say. I nodded before looking up at him. I started to say something, but I didn't know how to express what I was feeling.

"I... Just... Thank you," I smiled and laid my head back down on his chest. I felt him rub circles on my back and I closed my eyes, relaxed. 

"Hey Tori?"

"Mm?" I mumbled.

"I..." he trailed off and I felt him tense up. 

I propped myself up to look at him and I was in his eyes and blushing face the same confusion and mix of emotions that I felt. His blue eyes looked away from mine out of embarrassment. I smiled down at him gently, shaking my head slightly. 

"I know, me too." His eyes snapped back to mine in shock and I gave a slight laugh at his shock.
"But I didn't say anything," he stared up at me, confused.

"You don't need to," I smiled. My lips tugged down at the ends. "Fuck. I can imagine the comments now," I groaned.

Skye laughed and gently pulled me back down to rest my head on his chest. "We can worry about that later, alright?"

I hummed in contentment. "That sounds great."